In general so far...

The new year.
I feel so ashamed in starting the new and hopeful months ahead. Through the help of this writing I'll then be able to let go of things that to me are personal yet to the viewers questionable, seeing that there's always that ambigious line of writing I place here and there.

AN OLD PROBLEM SOLVED?
Here's a problem I've managed to solve though:
In the case of the holiday spirit, back then as young'uns we were all cheery and merry and well to many now, the holidays just doesn't have that much excitement. Know why? As much as you loved it or hated it, those holiday celebrations back from middle to highschool years contributed to the hype. The mandatory potluck from class and the occassional secret santas from our old friends were itself the hype that we were accumulating just in time for christmas. Since now we are all separated or have started new alliances with people whom we can care and trust, those olden times are either still in construction or they're lost in the past or finally put away since they were... the past. Although college is a different league compared to back then, the old days were more 'festive'. There's no parties with the token two bottle sodas and the occasional holiday cookies. I'll admit that I miss those moments from middle to highschool years - those moments made my holiday season alive. Of course even now the holiday seasons are alive and well but it's lacking something - the youthfulness and the naive feeling of life and holiday spirits.

NEW YEAR?
NOW why did I say that I feel ashamed in starting this new year? Sigh.... just say that I wasn't in my finest moment in a portion of my new year. It's only been recently but even as the days go by, the lingering memories go on. I'm in need of advice or just someone I can rely on. An alternative is always the realization within your own doubts that things have already come to pass - I've mentioned this to many people in need of 10 second advices but I never take it myself.

SO the new year's resolution(s):
UNSTABLE
I don't think I can pinpoint a defect in the past to make me go BAM in one year. I can recognize my faults here and there so I'll just gradually alter it as the coming months go by and hopefully within the third or fourth month of this year I'll be able to manage and in time let it fade away.

LOVE
In terms of the LOVE, shit people, I'm not going to to stress on it seeing that I can admit of being an unstable fool who can't even manage their own well being. In all honesty, being a guy which equals a jerk, I can predict that given blind chance and given some sort of magic from beyond, If begin starting a relationship now and in the few years ahead, you can bet that I will end it in a short period of time. Much like an insurance employee, given the age, occupation, height and work environment - you can assure the proper time in life he or she will die due to their circumstances.
Does my case sound gloomy? No it's being prepared and being careful of someone else's feelings.
We'll close this section with this:
" Q: What about you?"
" Q: Is there someone else?"
" A: No."
" A: No. but..."
" A: ... but there is the dream of someone else"

It's a powerful statement in my perspective, it's something that I can hold on to without going loco on the community. It's a good concept.

Automatic
Things haven't really been in tip top shape and i'm still amazed of how things still come into place. I've let go of things that I can look back and just observe... and there's also those things that I admit to this day still linger due to my own actions or they're just strong emotions of the past. I'm glad to let go of many things once again since this is an opportune time to do it. Here's a clarification: If someone thinks that they've let go of the past, then they themselves in thinking that are actually still clinging on to those moments in life. solution? understand the moments and understand the feelings - confrontations are painful but it's a must.
- a lost loved one
- a bitter anger
- a lost jealousy
- a painful situation
- an old syndicate
- an old transportation
- an old timeframe
- an old imagination
Things come to pass, so I guess just let things be with a strong affirmation that it was a good run.

20 years
Still not up to par people but coming close. Just a small bit on this section: I wish I was older and younger at the same time - it's a horrible status.

CONCLUSION TALLYs
- bonding: well off
- entertainment: 3 moments of strong recollections
- merryment: 3 moments of no recollections
- recreation: well off.

kenniving.pitas.com
Monday, January 5, 2004

Closing the year

It's almost there, the end of this semester. At this time last winter I wrote about the unattainable, the good times of that sem and also the pointless ranting that I usually do.
Is there any difference in this one? somewhat, but no, heh
This first half has been a good productive period. In many ways, not exactly productive in school. What a year makes for a person - from the Spring 2003 to now in Fall 2003, a lot has happened, good and bad. I mostly recall the bad unfortunately, call it tendency but those were the richest issues. But with the help of management and obvious logic of life, why look at it as negative - better just call it rough but steady moments.
I'm still surprised and in shock at the fact that age doesn't really count now due to the whole concept that adults are adults. The ability to start a family and even start a married life is hard to swallow and yet a few old friends from the past are living these lives at this moment. I can honestly say that I'm an unemployed student living at home and madly dependent on my parentals for funds and shelter. I can admit that I at the moment can't handle myself financially but I am able to try. Note that I CAN try - a possibility yet to me I wouldn't mind still being in the comforts of life. That's why to those who have gone beyond parental grips of life, I have mad respect and deep admiration for the true independence, whether good and bad, that most of them are going through right now.
It's just really incredible how one can actually refer to us as adults, regardless if we're still just in our early teens (18+).

Experiments have come and go... rewarding yet at times all no more than momentary happiness. Oh good times indeed, times in which I don't recall getting and being there, times in which I wouldn't want to stop and times in which I wish there's more meaning in all of this and yet I succumb and give in to the seduction and pressure. Tally it to having loss of consciousness, somatic experiences, visual amazement and just plain hypocrisy in which I promised myself on and on "oh no, that's not right", tch tch, horrible but gratifying. Sad how we're inclined to curiosity - taken from my old blog. Curiousity indeed.
Here's a good realization though - naturally drifting. Not intentional, not critical or even dramatic, it's a good concept to understand for the growing college student. Drifting from old times, personal growth and personal issues that seem to be rich back then but then in retrospect are nothing more than old ideas constantly beaten due to overuse. This is what we call change, it's a very complicated concept in which I constantly strive to understand.
Old habits never die ofcourse but they do gradually change overtime through recent developments and unconscious decisions we place in ourselves everyday.

Maturity come in different perpectives and probably the best thing I dig about it is the modesty in which one with strong knowledge has over the overly-outward individual. Everyday I look at genuine people with these traits and I notice how they speak and normally act - their words and motion in life where they can handle themselves and others and yet never show any sort of personal victory or reassurance from another that at times they have the moment. I have mad respect for them as well. Keep a lot of these people by your side and you'll never go blind. And along with these people are ofcourse the ill-tempered individuals who don't seem to care for one's understanding. That's pretty wrong right there of me to place such negative vibes - just call them whatever negative statement you want to name them but overall they're the common person that we see everyday.
It usually blows how these people have no remorse for their actions and expressions - but you can't blame them or judge them, we don't have the right to base one's trait to someone yah? But it is amazing though how the genuine people that I mentioned were once like these people and they admit of growing up sooner or later from their actions.

I can't dwell on anymore deep informative ranting that I have in my head, I have some but it's like the usual - odd and out of it. 2 decades of madness coming up for this old soul, man i'm almost old, hah. (2 decades taken from P.A.)

kenniving.pitas.com
Monday, December 8, 2003