Hawaii 2-O
Friday, August 3, 2002 09:23 a.m. Hawaii Time
Friday, August 3, 2002 12:23 a.m. California Time
LOG FOR THE 2nd day AUGUST 2, 2002
Yesterday on 8/2, we went on a shuttle tour aournd the Island of Oahu. Hint: Hawaii's an island, Honolulu's a city on the island of Oahu, Waikiki's a city in Oahu, Oahu's an island of Hawaii. I got mixed up at first seeing that I don't really know Hawaii that well, this cleared me up. We went through the pineapple fields of Dole, got introduced to the main flowers of Hawaii through houses and street sides and it became extremely repetitive on the tour guides part since he kept on mentioning it only the difference is the different colors, ooooooh. The tour was somewhat odd, the guide I guess took the tour in his own hands and introduced the flowers and history while passing by homes, if you think about it, WON'T YOU FEEL WEIRD if people were to take pictures of your garden? The shuttle had 16 people in all, 2 ladies were from San Francisco, dammit should've gotten their pictures. I know that one of them was named ROCHELLE, pretty obvious seeing that the BACK OF HER had the name TATTooed evenly, nice job. On the tour we went through the shoresides and got introduced to the locations of high surfs and surf shops, damn, the water was crystal blue, bluish green in shallow areas, yellow clean sand and corals visible through the shallowness.
Later on that night we went to our next itinerary, to watch the SOCIETY OF SEVEN, a group of performers slash comedians slash singers, etc. It was entertaining, I was STILL OUT OF IT. You know what I looked er should I say felt like? okay, imagine the family movies, there's always the dark, gothic child who's not enjoying it and feeling too cool to be a part of the trip. Yep that was me only that I wasn't in the too cool phase but the social outcast, lonely type of ish. I wanted to do my own things on this trip, darn it.

Hawaii 1-O
Wednesday, August 1, 2002 08:27 p.m. Hawaii Time
Wednesday, August 1, 2002 11:27 p.m. California Time
I was hyped to go to Hawaii, didn't enjoy the part of being on the plane. I ENJOY being in an airport, the whole feeling of it's sick. The hassle's tge flight, it's uncomfortable being in the seats with my long, lanky body. I was almost close to being turned off, due to restlessness from being unable to sleep in the plane and yeah just.. arghh plane issues. I will someday when I am successful be in every first class so as to enjoy a good airplane ride, someday though, someday.
Managed to reach Hawaii, the plane made a stop over Maui, we were going to Honolulu on Oahu. Today I felt out of it, I wasn't enthusiastic, no one WILL and CAN understand it. I was putting my family down with my anal attitude the whole day there. Oh yeah we arrived at around 12 in Waikiki. It was hot, I wanted to rest. I was ANAL like hell. In the late afternoon we went to our first Itinerary being on a large catamaran, a boat with a buffet and showcase. I met Angel from Milpitas on our way to the area in the bus ride. Way old my friends haha, I'm not desperate, but I did take a picture with her just to make it look like I'm a pimp later on when the pics are developed. The bus had a rowdy bunch, a group of friends from San Francisco, a crew, tch tch. They looked like a fun bunch. Now Bus number 4 will be stuck in my head. The bus rides to the boat are in groups, and we were duuhr bus no. 4. Our bus lead was this hot lady named Syrean, hot damn, she was definately a hapa. HAPA's another term for mut, I'd rather use this term than naming someone like a dog. Plus I got the term from another hapa chic that I met last summer, haha. But yeah Syrean was hot, managed to dance in a group circle with her later on that night since the bus no.4 group won the cheering contest. I felt embarrassed though. Bus no.4 were divided into small circles and I was placed in with Syrean..and with old people. Smack in the middle of the boat we were forced to dance as our present to our loud behavior. Positive note would be that I WON't SEE the onlookers EVER AGAIN. Still the humiliation's embedded in my head, for others it's easy to shove off but fer some reason memories last a long time for me, a mixed blessing I say, I felt really embarrassed. That crew of people though that I saw, felt jealous inside, sighh.. someday I do wish for a rowdy group to liven up this old man.
Waikiki's full of attractive japanese tourists and HAPAs, maaaan, it's a massive amount of hapas here, born from hawaii and travelling tourists as well. Honestly I was lonely going here, prolly one factor to my analness. A recurring theme, dammit just one close friend would do but yeah, WHERE ARE YOU!! I hope I have fun and take advantage of this vacation. Right now I'll be getting imaginary smackdowns for people, yeah I know Hawaii's a nice vacation, but if you're not into it, how can you enjoy it? I am grateful for being in the vacation so I'll try my best.

Ease down on the caffeine Joe
Monday, July 29, 2002 11:01 p.m.
Well I've been one of the few er better yet the many who have fallen to have their lives revolve around the computer, mainly the chatting biz. Honestly for one thing, of course I check my email but it's really pointless since I haven't had any interesting ones..er even any. Chatting well, there's really no one to chat with, other than the few close individuals but they have their time offs and actually time their online time rather than the person here going on continuously. So I've decided to simma down the chat biz for a while, to get my head straight. Even though there are the few, the convo ends at a certain point. Also a bud that I feel comfortable with, uhm well me and her don't really have something called quote CHAT unquote. One word answers and its off to each others business. Heh, tragic and sad since before er for some reason past and recently we used to atleast come up with a few sentences before comfortable realizing that hey I think I'll chat to others. Honestly my fault there, no harm on her, it's my bad that nun interesting comes up to me or I don't make things happen in my everyday free life. Still... I do miss the days of long chats with the few,particularly with that bud, good times I guess, good times. oh well. haha. Boredom, yes... truly this is boredom.

KL Sessions 02
Monday, July 29, 2002 01:59 p.m.
Confusion, misconception, a dellusion. It hinders me to the point of going on knees and sulking... breathing hard and reminiscing. Emotional outbursts are hard to contain, small instances become painful memories. Honestly it doesn't make sense and here I am still in the same situation, unable to get out of the problem that I notice and feel, seeing my destruction at the other end. Tch tch. Life isn't serious, I take it up too much sometimes. beep beep huh.. wha.. damn. It's not a dream, it was only my pager. a nightmare reality. x_x
Still in a positive insecurity, still in a dellusionary world. I am. Little things I get and create huge outcomes, mostly little things have no meaning, but to me it creates confusion and pain. I'm sad at the moment, won't understand, I can't understand and surely you won't understand. My armor's been pierced a few folds, surely you know after time passes, old cracks create bigger crevaces. One wears the heart on its sleeve, mines is my armor, it's broken. I'm... heart broken.

dot dot ... ...
Sunday, July 28, 2002 12:13 a.m.
Just ain't worth it broham. You were right, all of you were.

KL Sessions 01
Friday, July 26, 2002 09:26 a.m.
Grateful to my existence yet at times willing to expand and sacrifice certain aspects of my personality, I get frustrated and anxious on everyday, on every new day, on.. every new morning. At the moment, listenin to Angie Stone - No More Rain, a motivation to my current thought and writer's expression. I'll take a minute from now on, examine it and feel it. At every minute emptiness always reside, why is that, why does it occur. Hmm.. would a minute be enough? Scratch that and extend to a few minutes, hours, but never days. Depression hits me recently to my suprise, even I can't contain my outbursts of emotions and memories. Usually releasing it through tears and expression helps, does it? Or does it just give me more self doubt and insecurity. Notice I question myself. I can't understand myself. Sharing to another company's a relief but only a few, heh, not even a single soul can understand inner turmoil that occurs in me, tragic and true. I've recently realized that I take things for granted, and also I get into fits of emotional high, high on the levels of depression however, never happiness. Life to the serious point isn't healthy or balanced, like Angie Stone's song, my sunshine should come, cried out with no more rains, without sadness. Easier said than done, certain "elements" in me can't be relieved by just saying the opposite, positive words, they have a better hold on me than what I've expected. I've abused myself mentally, purple and blue scars in my mind can be healed with warmth and joy, it takes time though, it takes.. time. Have I moved on or even done something to take a certain step to another way, no , not even one flinch or twitch. Although I'm still in this dellusionary trap, I realize it's hold and I realize what must be done.. in time. Sittin here, the blinds right in front of me, the sun beating down as it shines through the room, I need sunshine, I need... to move on with my problems, problem and probs. What was done was done, the past is past, corrupting the mind by reminscing negative thoughts or dreaming of changing the past won't led to anywhere, I know now. Arrgh.. I'm still stalling myself and I'm still trapped in my inner turmoil. I can't relieve this image, the thoughts, the futures ahead. Obviously I'm uptight, and a deep thinker, it's funnier to think less on life. I follow my mottos, no, say it but never truly go by it. Liquid flow, let it go, I should just take a rest or just go outside sometime and do something, anything. Sitting down in this desk, I'm writing my thoughts and feelings, my heartaches and headaches, my sadness. Tch tch. I can't understand myself sometimes.

Grand Opening of my restaurant
Thursday, July 25, 2002 11:53 a.m.
This came up in my head: This journal will most likely die down probably later on due to my lack of effort and time spent. It reminds me of a restaurant I've been in, it's fate will someday be mines, hopefully not soon. The restaurant had a GRAND OPENING sign for duuhhr reasons of their new restaurant. After a while however the restaurant died down and it still had it's GRAND OPENING sign for some reason to attract attention. I feel that, or will feel like that in the future. x_x

Advice and an ass
Wednesday, July 24, 2002 10:59 p.m.
Just got back from a little get together with a few of the guys, guy stuff and guy ish. At first I chilled at D's house, talked about life and his current situation with his lady. The guy's pretty solid, don't understand why he's looking for advice when most of the words he gave out on their adventures show massive chemistry and even a slight disappointment from them won't break the spark. I sat there listening, I gave a few tips and there, don't know why I should since I'm furkin inexperienced in that level, but hey the man needed help. The man made me think though, he found someone, it was chemistry and the trust thing gave them more of a solid relationship. Heh, chemistry... have I even had that with people whom I had attraction to? Hmm.. I dunno. Thinking back I felt that I gave out nothing more than what I'd want them to see from me rather than put out the cliche "be yourself" ish. F that, don't know why I don't follow that, I did but it seems that I just scare them away, after a while I thought, daym the hell... but yeah if they don't really dig the vibes then there's no point being with me. Another factor I guess to a chemistry would be spontaneaous actions, er whatever that is. Ever had those moments with people where the pause is just furkin unbearable, and even an ice breaker wont' do it and later that would be another continous pause of death? That's what I've been having, and another thing opposite of that would be that I'd be talking all the time. The man mentioned at one point that they were talking of their goals and he brushed her off with his story and hung up. AM I like that, eaaassh I'm f'in thick-headed and selfloved er whatever I'm trying to say. Bothers me sometime that maybe I'm shallow as hell when it comes to ish, we met a lady today, Cindy or Cynthia, nnneah, okay, she was okay, and I brushed it off and looked like I wasn't looking for anyone. Ain't that bull? Tch tch, dammit, too much things to say and yet you get to a point of writer's block. I should just take off the sprinkles and say it out, I need a person and yet feel threatened to get into one. The hell is that? another question overlapping my current situation question. Mind boggling and full of shit in my part. I just don't know really, but I know I have full respect for my "coupled friends". Guess once you're "in" the time spent with people and with the person depends on them, and I respect that, hell if I had one I'd probably go for the lady and not quite exactly diss the guys but call a "day" off. Respect to those people I guess, can't complain, I've chilled with them and I've learned a valuable lesson. Tacky and stupid, that's in my mind. I'm gonna jet.

Official Entry: About a Boy
Tuesday, July 23, 2002 09:53 p.m.
6 hours ago I went to Barnes and Nobles, hmm... it's beginning to be an escape from boredom and laziness at home and the only thing that's possible to do outdoors. This would be my 3rd time doing this, I enjoy going to it with my sister but going solo and doing your own thing's good. Guess that's what I've been doing lately though, solo. I'm probably imagining things but it seems that the friends that I've taken in have significant others, people that could occupy and enjoy moments. Honestly I'm jealous, it has been like that before but now most of the group that I've gone with have all "settled down" haha. I'm always the third wheel in outdoor activities, past and present and realizing that made me go even more solo than what I usually consider just plain solo. Sigh... it's really lonely now, with lack of enjoyment from friends I know for sure my mentallity at the moment is to find a significant other just to fill in a void. Sad and tragic, it's depressing really. That's all I've been thinking of lately. Sucks when you're hyped up to do something and the people whom you keep in contact with are occupied themselves or taken by their special friends. Arghhh. Another factor to my whining at the moment is the jobless situation that I'm in. Tried 7 different areas, all weren't looking when for some reason I turned in applications and at the last minute they mention, not hiring. Tshhh. Wow, I've certainly had a lot of things to say. More to come I guess. Welcome to my odd behavior, the only thing that keeps me active. Note: Boredom happens in a perfect life, drama is needed or else I'll walk out the door and start one.

est. 7/23/2002
Tuesday, July 23, 2002 09:44 p.m.
Heh, managed to make it afterall. Combined I had 10 hours of work over this simple creation of a site, to me it's an achievement, a person lacking any web site skills and I managed to do one with uhm... good quality in one and a half days. I wanted a fine looking one, ya know the good looking, blended fonts in the background types, it's okay, I'm happy for now.