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I haven't really been myself lately, s'been somewhat odd and amusing having my second self, my conscience, watch what I've been doing these days.
It's very comfortable knowing what you've done wrong and knowing that it's honestly your fault that such things happened and that there is no way, NO way that even another individual contributed to the problems and mistakes. Then there's understanding why things occur like how they are and that there's no point in arguing - of course there are things to where you can do something but you know there are those times and moments where you just have to watch and let things pass, move, slide, slither and combine in front of you, whether you like it or not.
Then there's decision making - a breakpoint in every scenario - useful and dangerous. Honestly who can commit to a decision in one single move, there's always critical thinking and ifs and buts that goes along with it. Hmm.. I've made some harsh and somewhat cold decisions lately, but it relates to honesty and I didn't once feel any grip of doing the move for myself - the decision that will show up sooner or later and there's more weight in the future rather than I guess taking action now. And so I've made some decisions that I regret and accept at the same time. It's mature and well balanced and for shits you can't really accept constant happiness and glee, there's always negative thoughts and reactions...things that will subside and disappear.
An unknown feeling, I spent 4 hours in a park (yes the oldman needs his air) sitting on a park bench that was somewhat moist from the morning air and the yesterday's rain. I sat there, comfortably and in a good way petrified. Watched the old people do their routine walks, it's obvious on how they seem to know when to turn and go on this park full of twists and turns that I was unfamiliar with. A family or two with their strollers feeding the ducks and the birds flying around me. Gulls, ducks and even a swan, note A swan, ooooh and well.. the birds made things a little edgy during those calm moments of that 4 hours in that morning - I was contemplating but I also didn't want shit on my head. What do these weird vivid descriptions got to do with anything? Well like I said, I contemplated, evaluated and critiqued on what I've got so far, where I've gone and what I've had and been in or out of. Just sitting there summed up past years of inner torment and humiliation, pleasure and admiration, more pleasure and contentment, imagination and jealousy, satisfaction and hopelessness. Yeah this is the common thing people call a revelation but obviously I cherish it as something sacred or different, actually it's quite common that I come up to such things - free time really. Maturity and this old soul really sucks ass as a combination, you can't change it.
Coming to terms? I don't think that one's satisfaction can never be really guaranteed.
I'm gonna leave for a while.

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