You gotta go then of course you gotta go.
Tuesday, September 24, 2002 11:54 a.m.
Sigh... Yep, it's pretty much over now. For the past.... 7 weeks or so, spent nights and days outside with people whom I can have a good time with. One by one and group by group, everybody heads off to college and starts something on with their lives. Those days were good though, late bloomer here managed to spend more days outdoors rather than indoors. But yeah like I said, everybody's gone and most likely each one will have a small portion of a chance to keep in touch due to studies, adjusting and just finding more things out there. It's not pessimistic, it's realistic, even people close to my area will be hard to keep in contact with. Change isn't a fear or a hope for some reason though, it's just there standing, without a proper definition. Yeah.. pretty much the only thing left is to extremely pay more attention to studies since it will occupy and accompany me and try to have some acquaintances if I'm lucky. It's the...hmm.. 5th? week I guess, parking's getting better in the park and ride, people aren's showing in classes, classes are flexible to the point of leaving once one is bored of it and the time and work is getting managable. Routine or still in adjustment mode? I hope so.
Hmm.. last night was funny, managed to talk to a good friend whom I can call a wench because SHE WAS in h.s. in the renaissance fair. Heh, to say in h.s., wow I'm old now, oooh aaaah. I married a wench and later on I married another lady that same day the lady I was supposed to wed but she came later. The wench argues with me that I cheated on her, but c'mon, the wench was gonna be sold to some guy, so pretty much she'll be cheating on me. A good night, my talking skills went up 10 pts. woohoo. It's funny though, we were talking of an individual whom annoys her but doesn't see him as a pest and should be banned of existence, he was just annoying. The guys actions were uhm... funny and weren't all in all slick, I don't have the right to say such things but the guy's actions were uhm.. heh. just funny. But the guy reminded me of my actions in the past and present, damn am I that annoying as well? In his case he was rushing things and his actions made him look like an ass, in my case I take my time and still the annoying guy's actions were present. Thinking over I feel like I act like the typical annoying, clingy guy who would like to make advancements through stupid ass actions like inch by inch sitting and all that tacky ish. Gotta change the game plan from now on, if there was ever a game to begin with, heh, haha.. sigh... x_x. I'm also a verbose person, IN LITERATURE IT IS CONSIDERED A FAULT TO BE VERBOSE, cause it's full of shit. Hmm.. change once again, that word, I gotta change my actions and fix the faults. On to the conversation, heh. She seemed happy of her current position away from home, away from CA, well sort of. She will though, knowing her and her outgoing personality she can pull it off. wish her the best. If only I can afford 200 dollars for a round trip then I wouldn't mind chillin with her and spending thanksgiving, who knows, if I do my underground business, (oh yeah, yay imagination), then maybe. Why is it that the person whom you'd most never likely to keep in contact with become close connections. Although we know each other, we barely know who's really talking on the other line. Guess gotta start somewhere, I need a person to talk to on all those lonely candlelit nights, hahahaha. crap. It was great talking to her again, the phase of being a teen, a person needs interaction and communication and it seems that I need more and more conversations to enrich this brain. The typical phase of going too much on phone bills like what my sisters use to do back when they were my age. Ahh. growing up. Oh well. Best of luck to her, I gotta change the game plan and gotta move on. sucks but gotta do it.
Cowboy BeBop - the Farewell Blues.
KL Sessions 04
Saturday, September 21, 2002 12:27 p.m.
The hot weather beating down on the 130 lb individual who is sitting on an 8 yr old bench, and already it's age is present with carved names and minor symbols but the one that stands out are the worn out wood panels that makes the structure of the bench. Accompanied with the tree that gives the shade and the light breeze of the mid morning coming to the afternoon, I'm sitting there with my companions the consciousness and the intuition. Unable to place the finger on the solution, there's doubts that it'd be forever a parasite living off inside, taking away precious memories and times. Consciousness recalls traumatized times and despair but also the blurriness and warmth. Intuition tells me of the present time and the ideas walking slowly away and never turning or looking back. Not even a soul yet and I'm already a tortured individual. Emotions run dry, imaginations pass by and gives an eternal visit. If one just realizes that there's no more edge or hope in that past then there's no more wound salted constantly giving more hatred and anguish. Confused and once again reverting to it's youthfulness, the 130 lb individual walks back to his place, feels the wind go around his body, cold but comforting.
ERICA
" Don't you ever feel like you just keep meeting the same exact people over and over? Like people that went to this kind of college..."
" I want to have a party with a list at the door of all my friends and friends of friends... and if you're on that list or you know somebody on that list... then you cannot come in."
- 40 Days and 40 Nights -
Pho Nam sessions 2, bad influence
Tuesday, September 17, 2002 12:08 p.m.
Monday night I didn't think I'd chill again in the same Pho location with my sister and her friends. Memorable slash odd quotes were "Action first then flirt", "holding down the fort", and others I can't recall. Funny night though, learned that these individuals were bad influence in a joking way, of course I won't be swayed that easily to go on their personas, it's funny though how they act and talk. See with those people they can pull off their words and actions. Their personality's outgoing, upbeat and aggressive in a tone that it can go through obstacles without backing down. Gotta be more on the offense.
Before that at around 3 ish I had lunch with ms. ou, damn she got me cornered in my strong opinion of seeing ladies as being evil. She countered with uplifting and logical sides that men and women do to each other, I was one-sided, she was atleast a mediator for both sexes. My strong stubborn belief went off that day, I should just see so far my current experiences rather than rely experiences from people that I've observed and talked to. And later on if there's a similarity, THEN i'll have a stronger proof that ladies are evil. Tch tch, hahahahah.
good day but not good enough. Wha!?
Sunday, September 15, 2002 04:29 p.m.
It's a good day today, I'll see if I can make an errand of dropping off old photographs or maybe dropping by a friend who has his first job today. Maybe. Hmmm. See what the power of a humid house has over you? It makes you restless, giving you mixed emotions to leave the house because part of your body's in a reclined position and it doesn't want to leave the house but the mind, yeah the noggin up there's makin you think of silly ish, like hehe, go outside, oooh aaaah. I do have work to do for tomorrow's deadlines but I decided to do it later on the night, it's managable. Heh, that word, i've been using that quite frequently, it goes on anything. Hey how was your day? Managable. How's your broken leg? Managable. How's the cancer forming on your forehead? Managable. Damn, I'm gonna start the separation of the net foreals now, people have officially left their homes and started official college. Same here, I gotta do that now. Away KP, away.
Damn man, you scare me.
Saturday, September 14, 2002 05:19 p.m.
Friday's off, I did some minor errands and due to boredom, me and my friend decided to go to Frisco to visit a fellow Frosh, woooe SFSU. SFSU looks rather nice and to be honest I'd like it if I went there, the atmosphere's different, the dorms looks nicer, beginning and ofcourse upper classmen, eassh like a condo for each student. The whole atmosphere of San Francisco, it's intimidating in a good way, I have a feeling that one of my experiences in life would take place here. We visited my friend, the experience there was good a brief hour trip and a 30 minute visit but the majority feeling was feeling bad for the man. He obviously wasn't himself, he scared me for being that way, he was out of it, almost holding his true self back but from what? F anyone who tries to belittle him, i pray that the man enjoys his stay. He seemed lonely though, it's universal that everyone was lonely at the first weeks of school, I was and still restructuring my current thinking, but him, I dunno, he just made me down. He looks sad and feels lonely, me and my friend sensed that and felt that in his words and actions. He made some acquaintances, that's good for the man, gotta do that to survive the dorms but he still showed er rather kept it hidden when we were leaving that he was sad. I wouldn't mind going there, but SJSU is also a blessing and a good school, so I can't get sidetracked and full out put down this school. But that feeling that friday, it was lonely. It was a weird vibe.
KL Sessions 03
Tuesday, September 10, 2002 09:47 p.m.
A maddening realization, aside from the usual contraction of uncontrollable frustration, something has come up that is bothering me to the core of my.. unknown despair. I've observed something and I've realized yet another fault, heh, yes another pessimism to the never-ending repairs of my mind. The cards spoke true that day and the fortune tells of constant anger, I can prove by my actions and current thought of everyday life. It's pretty much true though, I have anger to spare yet I don't have an inch of the true emotions to spread around. I am honest to say that everyday's a hypocrite's day, mines and also another addition to that are selfishness and corruption. Only now when it's close to being too late that I am saved and safe to say that I understand what I've grown to by time. I've made a fool of my dearest love ones and acted as if I had control of myself when all along I was uncontrollable and was unable to contain myself of the irresponsibility that I blindly maneuvered everday. I pray that I won't go on having hatred as a core reason to do things, I'd like it more to have a lighter shade to compliment my nature. Never anger. But realizing this only serves as a reminder, actions create the outcome. I'm mystified by the abilities of what anger produces and what it progresses through but it always ends in tragedy that can't be curved or walk away from. I won't become bitter but rather mad if it occurs.
Git Yer Paws off me you Damn Dirty APE!
Sunday, September 8, 2002 11:31 a.m.
AARrrgh, I did have an entry 20 minutes ago full of length and depth but the delete button which at times can act as a Back button made my entry go away. Dammit its very disappointing and i have no recollection of what I wrote.
Alright here I go: So far college's been a lonely place, IT's only the first few weeks I'll say that in a positive way but the idea of making friends are hard. ACQUAINTANCES Are easy to get, say hi, they respond, next day same thing with a trivial media question, etc. It's obviously not the small community of highschool, don't worry I don't linger or hold strong memories of the past, they're finally what I realized, simply the past.
Eassh I'll try to make this entry more uplifting compared to the old ones, eassh I was a crying hermit depress freak, people have their times but that's just awful. But yeah, ladies are abundant, personality to advance is an issue and a hopeless dream, haha. They're older (nice), attractive (of course) but they're just glances that can never be touched or tasted, meaning kissed, kiiissed. Watched Van Wilder? wouldn't life be grand if college was an all time socials and events, obviously its the movie magic making the image in our heads have these but in reality they do occur, it's just that 1) you have to be in a Greek Life 2) have either an alternative or hip-hop connections to be in the scene 3) have a bloodline of an older generation give you recognition in the real world society. Does it sound like I'm down or jealous, Noooo, not even in a sarcastic tone am I saying this, there's more choices out there it's all in the personality and charisma and how it can affect people's views that you can have things, yeah tacky but it's true. I think... I'm recalling that I did have the slight experience of 2 and 3, in the past however before college. if I did it entirely I'd be stuck up or never befriend a person not qualifying the requirements, I've seen people change because of that. Those were good times, only a taste but never completely seeing that there are things that would make me a junkie or an addict. I remember befriending people way off my age, befriending my older sister's friends and also being friends with my sister's friends' younger siblings that are of my age. It's sad though, almost predestined that I have to make friends with them, it got sad when I started thinking outside the box, but yeah gotta start sooner or later yeah. That was the past now, I don't hang on or cling to memories, especially tragic and painful ones obviously so it's just that, the past. College is a new experience in another level, good and bad in many ways.
I was watching a foreign soap the other night, a japanese one, oooh ahhh. The plot tells of old memories and how it serves a purpose to the story, that and the ability of hypnosis and how it can seal and create new memories. The soap's fictitious, they pointed that out, damn man sad story the main hot girl died for the sake of their uhmm. cough cough love. But yeah memories, everyone has one, duuhr but it's also bad to have memories, well in my point of view yeah. it's a bitch to have a good memory and when shared with friends and family they either don't remember or don't recall that even happening. But you know it's there, the detail, moment and feeling's strong. That's just a jist of what I'm pissed off. what sucks is the drawback of memories, remembering the painful ones that haunt and never really subside unless you tell it to in full confidence which.. is hard to do. Thats how hanging on to memories occur. I thought about hypnotism, forreals and I wanted to have such things be sealed off but won't that just be running? I'd never back down at such a degree of a situation, to the point where it will create a huge outcome. I'll look into hypnotism more later on. But yeah, nice story, it's over and the girl was hot.
So yeah.. college life. managable, if I didn't say it before then yeah it's only the beginning, so I pray for things to come. SJSU's a commuter school though, one goes to school, leaves, works or sleeps and then another day. Even if there are dorms, the feeling of college communication and homeliness isn't alive unlike the city centered colleges or colleges that are accompanied with trees and beaches, yeah I'm being biased. But yeah SJSU has downtown at its disposal, I do hope I walk around with a close bud in times of boredom but it just doesn't have the magic that it would or supposedly give out. I can't hate however, I'm fed 24/7, got car access and have a comfy shelter, so I'll make the most of it. It's only the beginning.
Hmm.. so people are beginning to leave for college or even starting college, that right there hits you, the groups or few individuals that had a close bond but are now in different in places will either come back or never again have a friendship with you. In a bad way it leaves you sad and lonely, me for example. In a good way it leaves you opportunities to start over and make new familiar faces, me for example, ahahha. I'd choose the second way, the good way, there are just things that just gotta leave off and move on, not saying abandonement but just walking off the bruises. Well I've found I hope a solid bud whom I hope I don't shun away from when the real prime of work of college comes in. You know who you are, I'm grateful for your company and the comfort you give me, just pray we don't get bored or separate in a bad way because of I dunno hygiene in the armpits, I just don't know what I'm saying now, tahahaha. I fear total isolation, but if the worse happens than the good then I guess I'll either become reclusive or be more outgoing to form friendships as strong as what I've felt. People change I guess, can't depend but can always hope for the better. Awwwwe motivational speaker KenNivinG, thas just great, clap clap.
So far though: got three addresses from three ladies of different college in which I will become pen pals, oooh aahhh. Good thing is that duuuhr they're of the opposite sex and yeah uhm.. yeah ladies, uhuh huhuhhu. So yeah closing, make friends or do something in the social circle, will try that hopefully. Focus in school, yeah gotta do that. Mingle with ladies, no biggie hhhYEAHHH RIGHT, haha, flirt and you'll get plenty. Pretty much, just go out and play. yeah.
Go out and play
Fork!
