Conclusion
All of a sudden things just come into place while at the same time it breaks into small factors.
Confusing? Yes it is.
A feeling of accomplishment and relief came over me during these recent days and nights. Insomniac attacks helped me out rather than frustrate me. In those wee morning hours I reminisced and evaluated things that at first seemed large and spectacular but in reality they were all just fun and games, child's play and imaginary, unrealistic thinking. They were good feelings, it's just that I finally got used to things and made a decision to just stick with the present and never into the past or the upcoming future.
As for personal issues, hmm.. it's definately obvious that I can become quite obsessive and smitten on the opposite sex, even the most remote form of attraction gets to me - it's pretty dangerous thinking and ill assumptions coming from me so I realized this fault and will atleast manage myself in these odd bitter times.
There's that feeling of not entirely losing but realizing that you gave effort in everything and thinking over other solutions pretty much takes away the feeling of accomplishment of what you have at the moment.
SOLO, s'all it is now. Reality bites but that's how it is.

30th day of December. 1983
Monday, December 30, 2002
Good day - calls from friends, that's cool of them. Weird realistic dream, dinner with family and unusual headaches and body heat rising phenomenons today. All in all, s'good, 19, oldER but no change.

1 day left. Thanks for reading and counting along.
Sunday, December 29, 2002
It's one o them bummed out sessions, yesterday was good - I honestly thought the man was a hobo with skills of turntablism, turns out he's just really oldskool, he smelled like cabbage...
For shits it's the bipolar or isolation talking but I've lost hope for anything uplifting lately - compare the last entry to this one (use your french skills) and it's completely opposite.
There's the drawback of continually relying on daydreaming and imagination - the feeling of being useless (I raise my hand) and the feeling of yep, losing hope for anything, anyone. It's just weird, you get hit with a strong reality bites scenario and s'just that things aren't the same and that such thinking ends to nothing but frustration, hopeless attempts and a dead end pursuit. Although there's always gonna be the uplifting portion in life that will make things supposedly calmer and happier (guessing probably in two days or even tomorrow), you know for a fact that there's always something missing - it's not tangible or even worth talking to a close mate or friend - it's just there, a presence or a feeling and even such writing such as this won't breakdown this mass of ... I don't know really, heh.
So I'm bummed out as usual, ask why and there's factors, NOT JUST ONE and dammit it's disappointing to solve it or avoid it - you recall the instance and running from it makes it grow bigger - so What the Hell can you do really.

vibes connecting, rhythm digging, motions...moving.
doog s'efil sseug I

3 days.
Friday, December 27, 2002 01:52 a.m.
Heh. C'est la vie, maintenant. Pourqoui? Hmm.. je ne sais pas en realite, probablement parce que je suis heureux et un peu content avec mon vie. Est-ce que les phrases complete ou vrai? Dommage si les phrases sont faux ou terrible, heh. Hmm... so... pour le moment, je ne comprends pas mais je l'aime le situation de non particulier choise en vie. C'est le magique de non vrai expectations. Heh... C'est la vie.

Kenneth, qui a l'education de francais trois

6 days sir, yep.
Tuesday, December 24, 2002 10:52 p.m.
Yesternight was good, haven't had a decent night to go out and enjoy life in ages. Chilled and went to the movies with a good friend whom I can talk and converse in a non one-sided answer types of Q & A. Usually there's the feeling of being too over the limit or just being a shy ass folk for no reason, but yeah - the vibe was nice, friendly atmosphere, she was cool to chat with. That's a good thing, the fact that we can talk without any awkwardness or pauses, long conversations that we can laugh and relate to, it was a good night. Afterwards, we went to dinner and then downtown for just a quick stroll in the park with the x-mas trees and mechanical shows - the hype wasn't cool since it was somewhat coming close to 12 and the whole thing's alive during the hours from 8-10. It was a good night, although we were somewhat freezing our asses off and the fact that I constantly had the no.1 comin and goin, I dunno, I give her props for withstanding my horrid bladder emergencies ...I dunno, sick friend, it was just nice, just plain nice. I never really had a decent night where I can enjoy the evening and the company.
Well life's good as usual, aside from my inner whinning, there's always the other conscience of cherishing every simple situation, which is sick and all in all right. Simple man, s'all it is, s'all I ask. Ask for more and there's the scenario of not wanting what you receive or receiving too much.
I WILL GET IT SOMEDAY, OH YES, I WILL GET IT SOMEDAY
Sweigert Road...
I will land one on those things one day...
Soon perhaps, who knows. heh.
Sweigert Rd... your ass is mine!
HMMM WHAT HAPPENED?
Why is it that the hype of X-mas is gone? Had a long conversation at one point last night and we each concluded that it's probably the fact that there's the whole growing up ish. That's sad really, growing up and losing the whole magical hype, that's probably the answer since back in the oldskool days, anything would fascinate me and make me smile. Now it's a challenge to amuse this oldman, due to lack of humor and just .. I dunno, I just lost it. Too bad.
SIMPLE ELEMENTARY
From deep conversations, both long and short, to the constant observations and bein there on the side listenin, trying to advise but mostly listening, looking directly at their eyes, each having innocence and experience. Great knowledge obtained and many faults presented and solved. simple things, s'all it is. Always gonna be the oldman kp.

Common - Come Close To Me.mp3
Selected verse
[Verse: Common]
Are we living in a dream world?
Are your eyes still green girl?
I know you're sick and tired of arguing
But you can't keep it bottled in
Jealousy, we got to swallow it
Your heart and mind baby follow it
Smile, happiness you could model it
And when you feel opposite
I just want you to know
Your whole being is beautiful
I'm going to do the best I can do
Cause I'm the best when I'm with you

Back for more beatings. 12 days
Wednesday, December 18, 2002 08:20 p.m.
Hmm.. nothing like two days after that entry of my immaturity and plain stupidity for messing with useless ish. A few hours ago I just finished a PS2 game, one o those quest type of games but it had Disney characters in them, ooooh. What sucked ass was that the cd was a rental and dammit it froze on the ending, well the credits. Tch tch. yes the climax of my weeks so far was playing at home with my PS2, such is life, yep (clap clap).
nothing new to write. other than that game disappointment I'm just here chillin - I see myself later on in life being a retired old fogey by the beach, being senile and talking about my immaturity and false stories that never happened. Dammit I can't wait.

The fluidity of the bass, hitting me into space. also - 14 days left
Monday, December 16, 2002 10:30 a.m.
Hmm.. yesterday was disappointing but overall sick. Bonded with the sisters, honestly haven't done that in ages, eassh I'm gonna miss family when I become rich and powerful (expectations in 2 years, tahahaha). Chilled at my sister's own apartment, it felt like being in an Ikea - modern exhibit gallery, which is cool for me. I'll visit more often.
WHAT WAS DISAPPOINTING..
I can't handle liquor anymore. It's been two years and from that I lost the ability to have high tolerance. Of all the fuckin liquor, MICHELOB LIGHT - yeas light beer, made me somewhat tired and buzzed after a few minutes, WHAT THE HELL is that? Even the most low toleranced fool can handle ish, but me, yeah eassh I went down like a log. Proof is that I crashed on the living room futon which is not comfortable at all, but with the help of Michelob, I feel asleep like BAM. tch tch. I remembered having a conversation with a bud two nights ago mentioning that I wouldn't drink, I feel like I betrayed her er somethin. Pretty much from this observation I gotta avoid the demon drink or atleast handle some light "appetizers" before taking on the hard stuff.
Another thing is that I now hate corn - hard to digest as fuck and well with your gross imagination, you can link corn to hatred, if you do then that's cool. Hatred eh? I remembered eating corn three days ago and getting serious pains, last night for dinner had that and yeah.. what do you know - driving back to SJ this morning, pain pain won't go away, thank you SHELL gas station. Corn's evil, damn its hard coating and damn my weak stomach.

HEYYY!!! what the..!?
Saturday, December 14, 2002 07:39 p.m.
What the hel..!? EAssh I lost the entire Thursday entry. Dog gone it, fudge the world and all it's hollow mocha flavored center.

16 days. ha, Samara's getting impatient.
Saturday, December 14, 2002 10:20 a.m.
Lighter note: uhm. uh.. uhm..
Darker note: I got schooled in Tekken, DOA2. My umbrella flipped yesterday and it totally broke down when I noticed that the screw flew off - I had to trash the oversized umbrella. My last entry keeps on for some reason, losing my apology bit and later on the whole entry - I'm guessing there's a bug. The apology looked tacky anyway, eassh damn my mangraines that night. FUUUCK, prerequisite courses were closed, meaning all the other ART biotches signed up for it and got it - I'm left for the semester with 75% lecture classes which consists of writing assignments.
OH YEAH, the lighter note: B- in ENGL 1A, talked to an old friend and managed to have a conversation, Udon good - Hot plate better.

Yuka gone... KP sad and bummed out. 20 days left
Tuesday, December 10, 2002 09:11 p.m.
The final point of first semester ended at 4:30, now all I need now is to pick up left over works that weren't passed out. A month of winter - cold and just plain lonely.
Pretty much bummed out that I didn't manage to atleast take a picture of Yuka, dunno I feel like I collect souls with my handy disposable, that and I just want to keep memories of people, ahem mainly women - damn hormones, heh. I felt sad as fuck and still am feeling this shitty mood so I decided to just chill and go to Borders to walk, listen to CDs, read, walk and chill in the good quiet environment. It still wasn't enough though, tch tch. I needed something to keep me up and most of the older hombres that I could lounge with are out or still in the finals week so I'm pretty much solo tonight, typing this ish and eating everything off the fridge, not of depression but just.. hunger, yeah I need fat.
CRAZY ASS VIBE
Eassh I barely talked to the hotness and I get images in me brain, damn the whole idea and the creation of "crush", it's impossible to escape and manuever out of it. What sucks is that the percentage of sight is slim, so that really kicks in the reality bit of "dammit, yuka is gone!" so .. fuuuc...k.
LIGHTER SIDE.. if there is one
tch tch: first year, major classes, abundant amounts, experimentation..., and like yeah.. it's only the first year.

sad KP, she's gone for good, older and obviously mature. I'm out.

Arrr...Deadline Biotch, In yer eye! fool, diieee!! also -23 days left.
Saturday, December 7, 2002 10:25 p.m.
Heh..hehhehe..hahahah.AHAHHAAH AHAHAHAHAHHA..!!!! Managed to finish my project in one day afterall. What sucks is that I overly procrastinated on this deadline, I had two and a half weeks to do it and there was me yesternight doing the work that's due in two days. Crazy ass dedication though, I was tempted by calls from my head telling me to go out and atleast get some fresh air and also calls from friends to go out and enjoy the nocturnal festivities. eassh here was the thing: 10:30 in the morning all the way up to 11 at night, 2 hour period of lunch and 10 minute semi breaks but all in all I continually worked my ass off to finish this project. Here's what's also bugging me: After finishing the project I looked at it and realized - shit if I actually organized the simple pieces ( my project consisted of colored paper to create images) then I could've just spent not even a day to place the pieces together. I'm pissed at the fact that I lack the ability to create photoshop images - all I've done are obvious collages of cut and paste pictures, the real photoshop deal is combining pictures to the point where each blends well with each frame. But yeah I felt disappointed in myself because I took so long in doing this and that Kinko's charges too much on color copies in comparison to black and white pictures.
THE NEXT DAY
which is right now saturday. I went to my engl final - ON A FUCKIN SATURDAY!? excuse the F's -- I'm just frustrated lately. But yeah it felt like a normal Blue Book english writing inclass work (DO other colleges have this as well-- I wouldn't know so tell me if you do use these things) and it felt really simple and it was too easy, like extremely easy. Either I became a lyrical mastermind english writer or I Bsed the whole writing exam. Tch tch. I did manage to see the girl that I've been seeing around during my remedial independent math days - her names Kristal - don't know the actual spelling since there are numerous ways to spell it. Small world seeing that my friend befriended some ladies in his engl class and they in turn are friends with her. and Me - I've seen her around and I've also seen her with my engl bud James so really -- small ass world whether in city, within college or within classes.
CRUSH..ING MY DAILY THINKING
Mothufuuuuuuu!!!!!c.
This coming week's the final first semester, it's just finals and random work. I've been eyeing in this lady (21-22) in one of my classes (art major class). Gives me tingles and the fact that she's japanese doesn't really help. Got 3 on my disposable - thinking of embarrassing my ass and somehow asking her away from the crowd. It's impossible though - after class is over I leave or she leaves early, coming down the stairs she takes the elevator and she probably takes the alternate route out of the building. I know there are more ladies out there but it just sucks big time that I'm addicted to this lady's presence. Weakness people, weakness - I get immediately taken away by people who catch my eye and I get rather blurry eyed and continually block my train of thought in anything, in life. Sucks to be me -- DAmmit I am me. Fuuuck in A!
Gotta say farewell though to ms. nagoya. tch. I'm sad. but mostly frustrated but I get the tiny feelings of sadness. I'm a burning ball of frustration and pent up shit. Ask any fortune teller and they all have a common trait on me. Eerie.

well go out and have fun - home or away, enjoy what you guys got - when we do start life we work forever - forreals, once we do start a career - it's W O R K, FOREVER, FOOOEVERR, FO EV AH...

Complain entry. also 25 days left.
Thursday, December 5, 2002 10:22 p.m.
My head hurts from thinking too much on life. Reason would be the overwhelming freedom that I have from having no job, having total freedom of time with the use of a car and having no extreme work load of materials that will break my conscience to insanity. At the moment I do have a deadline project that's killing me and giving me emotional pains which are leading to physical pains of headaches and stomach acid problems (stomach aches). Art major is managable but for sure the times ahead will test my skills and patience; so much competition, short term deadlines of long-term type of projects, total concentration of GE and art and finally, loneliness. Last one takes an effect even to a person who just keeps on working just to occupy his or her life. Loneliness comes to everybody, sucks ass really to have an emotion, take that crap out and you'd have no emotion at all since all are connected (stress, happiness, loneliness, etc.). Finals over the weekend and the coming week, and after that then a month of winter break. Even though I have so much time, there are things that seem impossible to accomplish and hopes that can't be gained. No going on details, F that, s'just that for some reason life is in a mixed situation of having a good life but with a price of working hard. You know, playing too much I guess comes up with the equality of working harder and in mines it's the semi workload. Fuck everything so far.
IN TERMS OF WOMEN
Damn hormones and urges, honestly don't know why I get feelings of wanting an individual, people are actually better at single life since they can spend aimlessly at anything or with anyone, have fun without any arguments or permissions and no feelings of being in check. What initiates the feelings are the enormous amounts of attractive women in school and outside of school -- it gives me headaches and makes me doze off into imagination land which really takes too much time since I day dream rather than do work.

I've been able to keep myself intact but there's been a period of total breakdown here and there. I guess I just had it and am still in the crossfire of headaches and turmoil created by me. Obviously I have more words to say that contain reasons to why I'm feeling like this, unfortunately it can't be written or explained, s'just a fuckin tumor growing I guess. I gotta do my deadline now.

29 days
Sunday, December 1, 2002 10:32 p.m.
I'll do the pagename in relation to the numbers left before my day of aging, why?, I F ' in don't know.
Hmm.. so, here I am, there you are. Life's good, SJ is the place to be. I really, REAllly have it easy -- extremely grateful in my situation, I won't take things for granted, I won't think like a mofo again, and I won't speak before I think -- got that? Yes suh!
I really have nothing else to say, s'just the starter for this future archive.

Miscellaneous words: Machiatto, Hobo Scare, Drug-Free, TA-MA... NE-GI Sensei!, Broke, KL let go and the current lyric that everyone makes fun of "Awww What the HELL NAW!!", yeah just great, see my intelligence dwindling? Goodnight/Goodmorning.