Washed away.
Monday, June 2, 2003 mid-morning hours
Bleah hah, it does feel like it's another person or me being forced to tell the truth with some liquor serum or some ish like that (referring to last entry). gloomy as a bitch, I don't freakin care - it's keeping me sane in my current 'quaint atmosphere' as I prefer to call it. Like a bad habit, it'll keep me satisfied but then corrupted. note to self: ease on the community ish, I'm fine as it is

Add me or leave me be.
Monday, June 2, 2003 02:49 a.m.
It's good to type in these hours - it's equivalent to being intoxicated and telling every soul of your dignity er something like that and looking back and pondering as to why I wrote these things. Either way I will write things today like the usual: somewhat pessimistic, gloomy, informative or just plain non-sense on what I've done so far in the recent events of life.

I'm happy to hear about grandmaster GTEK getting to be a full pledge AKO, mad props to the man. At first both of us were somewhat hesitant to undergo the life of the fraternity way but he went through fine and me still either wondering as to still be me or "upgrade" myself in some way. But unfortunately aside from parentals I know for sure that I can't go with myself with joining the group - it's my double decision that's somewhat blocking me. That and probably I know I won't commit fully as in any normal thing that I do in life - half assed and non-committed. But yeah, I envy your determination G, mad props and best of luck.

I've been recently chillin with the club and doing local things in sj to pass the summertime. It's nice to be around these people, just watching them and being in their company's always a shock and a pleasure and I feel no form of negativity around them. Being with these guys I then start wondering as to how my other friends are doing - the ones that I recently grew strong with somewhat in my h.s. end years. Cutting connection goes by like a snap in my line and it's not a surprise to even let loose of even my most closest individuals. But honestly it's not really letting loose yes? If you know for a fact that I'll be there when needed, then things wouldn't be all that bad. At times I know for sure I am a flake but I know I'll be there when things get rough. But in the current time I prefer to be more open or more flexible in connections but to many and I guess my actions in general seem to be shady or non-friendly like. Only those who can understand me might know the lasting impression that they'll have and my availability to them. Many of those who won't, and most likely the majority, won't understand it thus creating the barrier of unfriendliness or non-responsiveness. It is my fault to not go back and befriend old pals but I guess I can't help my method of life - I prefer to be in solitude at times so sorry if I shun more than most people do.

Lately I've been sucked in a community-based site where one person knows another, befriends another who knows that other and connecting a whole form of web and city friends because it's a small world after all. It's been two days and a while ago it felt okay to be doing this, but after a few hours later I felt somewhat intimidated er something. Somewhat amazed and disappointment - the site's a tally of who you know. I know for sure I'm taking this whole form of site not lightly and this is the reason for this section. But yeah , it scared me that many people knew each other, made me mad that a person befriended to another right away and made me feel somewhat immature in doing this. I'm not hating on the people who enjoy this, this IS the late night me talking after all and telling all my current more descriptive issues, but the site made me think of the harshness of things for some reason. I might abandon it or leave it from the lack of checkups - I prefer to connect to people more physically and real world-like. hey J , it's the people you tend to be closer with, this is only a tally and to me it feels wrong. I know for a fact that I feel old at times and I feel that I don't really fit at times, somewhat frustrating but liberating. All in all, it'll take someone to understand me to the core, certain but not many unfortunately.
or none at all.

Events:
5.30 - movies with the club
5.31 - battlefest showcase as the media crew
6.1 - sibling bonding

So since this is the early morning entries, i know for sure I'll regret seeing this but I know I have to leave it since my writing's more open and descriptive at the moment. or at least i think it is.

Talking my ass off.
Thursday, May 29, 2003
Eassh at times I feel like a talk too much. Exempt the fact that I write a lot here but in the physical plane, the real world where one person sees another person or even chatting. I'm probably the certain individual in this world who is "verbose", which to me is somewhat of a bad thing. I'd prefer it at times that I would give off simple answers or one word answers, but no - I end up expanding one question or one answer that I have in my mind with words that are useless. Tch tch, horrible.

Know what I need though? Another verbose individual, that way I won't feel uncomfortable that I respond long - that way we are in the same caliber er something like that. But I'm not hating on the one word individuals, I envy you in honesty but yeah I guess I'd prefer another verbose individual that can respond back to me. I guess.
listening to: As One - Mr. A-Jo and a massive amount of reggae songs just to make me take my mind off the world, my own personal high, tch tch

I'll be seeing you soon.
Sunday, May 25, 2003
Today was a good day. Attended a small graduation ceremony in which two people from the club have reached their years in sjsu and now are ready to flee into the real world. I barely know Kat but I do wish I knew her more - Joey as well. Joey however, being that he's been in every event in the club, is always present so I managed to know him in a good sense. He truly shows experience and age in that he always has a cool attitude and also a sense of immaturity that can match any age. He's been in school for quite a while - a doctorate level equivalence - but that's what happens when someone changes majors in mid college life, who knows, maybe I might do that as well. heh. Although being a freshmen, I watched these people manage the club events and also run things in a cool manner and I'm somewhat idolizing their strengths and their weaknesses as being a normal but strong individual. Next year a lot of the upper classmen will start to leave the club as well to go on to their respective education - I'm scared at what will happen to the organization. But being that I'm scared, I guess I've grown attached to the whole basis of the club and I guess I might place myself in some sort of position to uphold the old values since for some reason it hit me and changed my views. My time will come.

So watching that ceremony and also summing up the related events that occured these past few days, I felt even more intimidated at what will life place on me. I don't know why, can't explain it fully or even place it in the most clearest sense - I'm just scared of growing up? I have no clue now as to what to do.
But yeah, this day ended the 4-day summer start off. I cancelled the arrangement with the h.s. friends for the santa cruz trip and decided to go to the graduation. I'll see them more in the summertime so there's always next time. The graduation was an event I couldn't pass. So...Thursday was the banquet, Friday was the party, Saturday was the cultural show and Sunday, today was the graduation. A good start. After that grad, I went home, bought myself dinner and ate alone since everyone was out - it was relaxing and peaceful. I now have to schedule workout routines for the summer, apply for jobs right away and study for an upcoming WST. Even if I don't work, I know I'll be occupied somehow and I wouldn't mind enjoying simple things - local things. I won't express any irritation or even any sense of bitterness if such things occur in even the most ridiculous situations. The summer's a time for relaxation for me and I need time off from things like usual. So after today I realized that I'm more immature and naive as I ever was, I can't help it but I guess I can wait... wait for the months to roll, and the year to go, to make me more aware of outside things, of people, of situations, etc. I'll be seeing you guys soon.

Passive lounger
Saturday, May 24, 2003
Possible 3-4 day summer start up!?
Thu 5.22 - Party with the club
Fri 5.23 - Party for the b-day bud
Sat 5.24 - Cultural show with good friends
Sun 5.25 - Santa Cruz trip with old friends from h.s.

The finals went through pretty fast on wednesday, 5.21. Too fast that I know for sure that I missed 27 points worth and that's not even counting what I could or actually missed through bad calculations. Tch tch, horrible. But yeah, with that it officially ended my second semester of school, the end of this first year and the feeling of being a freshmen. I will be a freshmen standing next sem but it's the experience and the fact that second year signifies that I've gone through small things in college. First year was fun - good times.
After wednesday, chilled with the club and had many joys and laughs and just ended up dancing in a large hall with just the club members present and having a good time. It didn't matter that it was only a hand few and I realized that me and also them were having a good time because we were all familiar with each other and that was good enough. It was a good night - too much that I forgot that I haven't been active in ages and then all of a sudden dance my ass off and the next morning have massive pains, specially my ass and back. 5.23 was another good day - party for a b-day girl which was basically a drinking party. Good to say that I handled myself well and lived up to being a semi-hi-toleranced fool. I won't brag or even go into details, there's no point remember? 6 shots, no glory, just had to be there to see what there was to be good about, er not to be proud of. Conclusion - don't drink people, peer pressure sucks ass and if you know you can hold it, then that's a victory for yourself, nothing more, nothing less. Aside from that, the party was just being around the club people again and hanging out. Honestly I've gained some confidence and some minor feeling of having no shame (in a good way) SAPPY SHIT but who gives an ish ey? YOU?. When everyone was all settled in, we watched a movie and later on left since it was already mid morning. Since it's saturday today and the event today will happen later on, I'm not for certain if things will go as planned since things can go wrong. hopefully not. If all goes well then PCN tonight but tomorrow I'm uncertain. Chillin with the old crew from h.s. whom I haven't really grown to be with but grown with in terms of being alongside is somewhat uncomfortable. Old faces yes, but times change, and that my funds are running low, to the point of even a small fund for small munchies won't be enough. If all goes well today then a 3-day start up of the summer was good enough for me.

AN ODE TO A BEST FRIEND
Here's a section dedicated to a friend that I've met 2 years ago and still somewhat keep in touch with. The history is that I met this fool during a h.s. renaissance fair and later on through a friend. A good bud, she's the feminine version of me although we all have a woman inside of us - don't ask, it's the damn philosophy crap. We bonded well and had good and common interests. "J" recently told me that I intimidate her - hmmm me? An uberdork in the highest degree and intimidate someone? what's there to be scurred of yah? So I tell you to be yerself and that I'm just being a dork in this vast vocabulary of words that just plainly gets things off a subject or just goes around a subject period. On to the point, J is a good friend and of course I won't abandon her friendship - I dig her vibe, she like among others rock my world and she's a person that is mysterious even to this day - which is a good thing. You freakin scare me J, s'like you have a hidden agenda but in reality you just have a weird vibe. It's just the paranoia talking so don't mind the last sentence. Although I feel that I bore the hell out of you, you still seem to think I amuse you, I guess that's sick so that's cool. So to J to the izzo, best bud for the years ahead - you know my trait and my tendency to cut off connections even to the most intimate people, so you'd understand that even if 5 years pass, I'm still the old hermit of the mts. and the stupid fool that you know. And in five years I will have the hot girl that I always dig and you will come sweeping her off her feet since you did say you have a questionable preference. Through that we can then talk about what's been happening while at the same time taking my lady off your hands. conclusion - you're my bud.

I Must Be Dreaming
Sunday, May 18, 2003
one more final - the ever decisive final that will mark my existence, hah. Not really, it's just the final that's being a punk and I really, REALLY need to do well on this er else I might end up enjoying C's as part of my grading scale or worse, retake the class - academic renewal (dammit!)
I'm happy to say though that I'm not the overly anal schoolmate that needs constant A's, that was h.s... or was it middle? It's okay to receive A's and a majority of B's. C's somewhat scare me even though it is acceptable in college criterias. I know for sure it's my fault for slacking off but I also would like to contribute partial blame, not extreme hatred, angst or any sort of negative vibe, to the teacher. C'mon, the class is simple math, the lessons are easy but her quizzes and exams show no relation to the sections to the point where it is unidentifiable. Of course teachers do the whole different version from the lesson method but in her case, she was way beyond the borders, tch tch. But yeah, like I said, it's partial butthurt, so no big hatred for her.
This final week is upon me and my goals are to
1) register for a summer course
2) try my best to school this math final
3) work out a plan for free parking during summer since it's a DAMN hassle for a new permit
4) save money for this week for S.F. for an after final celebration trip with some (2 people) friends to enjoy the new summer.
Hmm what will summer provide though? New experiences in the hip-hop culture through research and taking iniatives? A better understanding of time management in summer days? A new summer fling, HAH, my ass! or probably a good ole time with old friends to recollect and reconstruct days where all of us are separated due to college and it's many confusionitive (yeah throw a bone at me - it's not a word) moments?

I'd rather watch or atleast be behind scenes
Saturday, May 17, 2003
Battle of the Tribes on 5.16.03: Being a referee, I feel old and I guess I AM too old for this, s'all I have to say.

Girls, NOT ladies, dressing too much, thuggish fools, new crowds - new crews - younger blood, etc. The people that I watched and grew up with are barely there - times have definately changed. Time has passed. Funny thing - the same imagery's still there with all these kind of people, it's the same trend but it's just a new crowd. Although there are people my age who do enjoy this, I guess I am just being really old in the mindframe. S'just not my enjoyment anymore, heh, oh well - I had my fun in the past.

Satisfied_
Thursday, May 15, 2003
Turned in my take home final this morning for ArtH 70B and then headed to the movies for Matrix Reloaded for 1) the sake of watching it 2) obvious free time 3) semi celebration since I got exempt from taking my other art history final for being good. Grandmaster GTEK was kind enough to go and chill with me, thanks bro.
I don't know, maybe it was the gloomy cloudy weather this morning, but I felt sad that this semester, particularly that class, is over. I have my other reasons for being gloomy for that class but I actually enjoyed the whole renaissance lectures. But yeah, the other reason, heh.. oh well I guess, s'been a good short pleasure.

Ever felt that deep understanding between a person where words don't really have to be initiated anymore? It's a sick vibe. Monday the 12th was the weight training final. NO we didn't lift things way beyond our body weight, we did a fill in and explanation paper where if you don't know jack squat then for sure you'll bomb. Happy that I studied. But yeah since it was the final class, I felt somewhat sad that I won't be able to be lifting weights with Sarabeth. We chilled for awhile outside the building, talking about current issues and things. When her hyper friend Janine came to sweep her off to lunch, there was this brief weird moment when all of us were getting up. Automatically while I was starting to head off to another direction and the ladies on the other, me and my role model hugged in a farewell type of thing and there wasn't any hesitation - it was comfortable and also memorable. It's as if we came to an understanding that we know each other well enough to be good friends and I dug that.
Lately things have started to change and in one of those "things are starting to seem somewhat old and it symbolizes that I'm growing up" scenarios. I can't really explain it to the fullest or even in any good deal of detail but I'll say that things aren't the same anymore and things have moved on. The first year of college and the strong awareness that I'm coming up to my second year regardless of still being a third year frosh is hitting me recently. Things from the past have now become truly played out (not in the negative sense) and I guess I'll say that there's "new blood" running things now and I'm old enough to move on from trivial things and also old enough to move on to constructive purposes, away from past trends that honestly was just last year. Even so, it's considered the old days now. This new awareness is frightening but also interesting.

Summary
Second semester: accomplished the Yuka mission, accomplished artH 70B interest, enjoyed the position of backstage co-director or co-assist, enjoyed the old taste of liquor once again even if I didn't go through all the way with the tough crowds, the newly acquired abilities, the attempt to be active, the ability to just watch and listen.

Where the food IS THE SHOW!
Sunday, May 11, 2003 10:04 p.m.
Genji Sushi prerequisites to be the hip-flipping culinary chef that cooks the food in front of you:
-Must be able to cook food, seafood and meat
-Must be able to make a volcano effect with onion rings
-Must be able to flip cooked shrimp in the air and projected at specific plates

I have no mastery over anything in doing fancy handwork in cooking food, so.. uhm no go for me to being a future benihana type of cooking chef. Damn
Finals is upon me, I'm hoping for the best and I won't be ashamed since fo sho I'll try my best.. so .. yeah, there's no more pulling back, can't half ass now.

If this is it_
10:34 p.m. Saturday, May 10, 2003
Exhausted from hmm..
-Being semi late last night from an after-after-party from the cultural showcase, which happened two weeks ago.
-Constant writing for two hours on a eng. final on a saturday.
-Errands for a mother's day dinner location for tomorrow.
-Exhausted from just lack of sleep also.

Last night was a good realization - that I'm not as low toleranced as I expected I was to be. Three words - potential hard drinker. I won't elaborate since mentioning this already shows my immaturity to flaunt the most less achievement-based sort of things. There's no victory in knowing that you can drink more, you still end up being wasted within, damn you philosophical drunk!
Finals is as follows for this coming week: final, final, break, final and final. So wednesday is the only gap or free time, which in reality isn't since it will be used for the second portion of the week for cramming. I will succeed, oh yes, I will.
Still got the jones, it's keeping me up for this month, so keep giving me mental seductions 70B classmate.

gotta let the bad in with the good, ish!
Friday, May 9, 2003 03:07 p.m.
BAD POINTS for the rest of this semester
- Possibility of being a 3rd semester freshmen, d'oh!
- Overkill of work, starting.. NOW, on finals
- I can ONLY, ONNNLYYY MISS two questions on the math final to certify me a B in this whole semester
- My current standing in Math, C and I'm way off to even being points close to even a B-, Dammit!

GOOD POINTS recently and for the rest of this semester
- hot damn, I just walked J of 70B to the science building today on 5.9.03, hahahaha (drool)
- Semester's almost over, OHHH SCHNAPPS!
- I feel confident that I can manage least a B in both Art History courses
- Summer, that's just one word of happiness and joy
- This year, in counting total, I managed to leave any sort of pride and just be the uberdork that I am and: 1 - do things that aren't usual. 2 - befriend lady strangers. 3 - be for once motivated. 4 - jet and scram for the sake of it

Sunshine Jones man, hah.
10:58 p.m.
Small entry for the time being.
Apparently, the transitional site took longer to load due to its flash program, so I decided to cancel that account and I guess start from scratch here in pitas.com again.
Benefits of this site is that it's extremely flexible, so I'm digging this site in comparison to the others, even the X blog.

Current news and affairs
I have a slight jones for J of 70B, hmm big surprise coming from me, nyeah. Damn wish she could seduce me and we could make like rabbits in her apt. that's just a few blocks from campus. Sigh.. that would be the day. But yeah, slight flirtation's healthy, writing notes to pass time and just having her company's sick, the fantasy wouldn't be that bad either too, hhuwwwwow....
Sem's coming to a close and I pray that I'm enough credits to be qualified as a sophomore in the next school year.
I can't think straight - damn she's on my mind, it's the whole "school boy older girl scenario", she's taken unfortunately, like every hot lady that seems to be in my interest,(yes I do get interested in many ladies at the same time, no harm, yes?). I'm being an uberdork in being in this current state, eassh I should just go out and enjoy the life because for shits I know I'm being impatient.