DAmn Crazy tiring day.
Saturday, October 19, 2002 12:28 a.m.
I'll NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!!
Man right now I just arrived home. 12:28 a.m. doing a volunteer slash participation kind of ish for people I'm tryin to get to know. We were assigned to go scare people in a semi smaller version of Gyro's in Fremont. I enjoy scaring little kids and giddy people but there were also the usual hardcore teens, old people and grown ups who went for no reason cuz you know they won't get scared, it's F 'in pointless of them to go. At one point I got semi scolded for not doing my job right or should I say not being enthusiastic, MAN I was tryin to catch my breath. Oh yeah right now I'm F'in out of breath, tired as hell and then going on later on this saturday to a family event. I don't mind the fact of being occupied, s'just I hated the fact that I lost my voice, my throat throbbing and I know I gotta save it for the next weekend up ahead for a competition. But I did manage to pull off scary moments and scare even the most hardcore individuals and also manage to gain trust or friendship from Nicole. Hmm.. what else was somewhat disappointing, oh yeah me car couldn't hold no more. We were driving well but it was slow and could only go up to 85, sad really. But as usual a car's a car but yeah it was smelling burnt out, due to my clutsiness of letting the brake on while driving and the coolant light signal due to temp rising. Ohohoho boy that was a good semi bad night. 5 hrs scaring people, man tiring and dehydrating. But yeah I managed to meet some folks, gonna need it for the weeks ahead. I just hated the voice loss. I'll never scare people again.

KP (a.k.a. Francis)
Friday, October 18, 2002 11:11 a.m.
Let me see if I can bust out short worded, words, hmm...
Alright Last night, met Reyna (a.k.a. CharliMay), Nicole, Gale and Alexis (met her last week but managed to know her well last night). Had fun at the little get together, still awkward and timid as a little school girl but doin fine. That night was good, although still felt hard stubborn slash timid as a rock, oh well.
Still tired and mysteriously down, fudge packers!!

Melodramatic biotch here, tahaha. sad.
Thursday, October 17, 2002 10:42 a.m.
Last night was a good night to drive and somewhat think in a positive way, unlike my usual sulkings, etc. Well actually my sis was the one driving, so there you have it on why I was thinking a lot last night; I was the passenger with nothing to do but think.
SANTA CRUZ
We went down to Santa Cruz to check out a restaurant that the family would be going to over the weekend. It's been a while since I went in that area and I never really understood the road structures until last night. I knew the winding road was long and somewhat dizzying but I forgot to remember that the travel there was somewhat uphill. My vehicular device at the moment can't take such beatings and well pretty much it won't last when it hits those curvacious roads.
Arriving in the place we saw the night lit restaurant, a restaurant located on the bottom of a ridge, the travel there consists of either an elevator or a series of steps that have a romantic feel. It was more of a romantic area rather than a family place, but it's all good, it's for the family. Extremely romantic, the place would be a great place to take a significant other someday, and I plan to do that once I do get a car that can last long distances. No hate on my current vehicle, again grateful for getting that and all I can say is that uhm duuuhr later on I will get there and drive everywhere.
SAN FRANCISCO
To be supposedly spontaneous, we decided to then go up to frisco the same night. Haven't had this driving tour around CA in ages so it was a good picker upper, dunno why I've been slightly depressed on life, what else is new.
SF at night's beautiful and still intimidating. I have a gut feeling that I will compete someday in that area and I'd like to know the areas as early as possible to have knowledge and some slight edge. We drove around the bay bridge and landed on treasure island where the night lit SF can be seen with a good view. Later on we drove into the city and ended at the Ghirardelli factory. Notice there's an abundant amount of couples when one's single, it's annoying.
THE NIGHT
The night was good except in the end when my sis pretty much killed it by again stating the obvious and I couldn't really contain any positive control on the inside. Yes I know I'm uptight and at times childish, it's annoying really to state the obvious, she's not perfect herself so atleast she could've had the heart to watch what she said. But yeah it was my attitude that bothered me the most; the reaction and my short term patience, I never really changed from the past and I'm still the pissy-tempered fool who can't contain and be childish about everything. Tch tch sad really. That night gave me a slight education type of thing; Van Ness will end up in Polk High and on the edge would be the Ghirardelli Factory, South Van Ness is the Ghetto area, On the Bay bridge exit Treasure Island to get a good view of SF,and Santa cruz going to capitola's highway 1 rather than just driving to nowhere.
CONCLUSION
I still need to change my habits and my ill temper, is it obvious to many? Well I do have one and I don't really control it well. Oh yeah I also get touchy and bristle like a porcupine in a snap, thin skinned really, sucks bigtime that I can't take things lightly. I apologize to people I've talked to through sarcasm, you guys are the better people. I've lost motivation to do anything really, think about it,(well this is me troubled man talking), what do you have to look up to everyday? Other than life itself, what makes you giddy and happy. Tch tch, see that, but atleast I can still show some slight dry humor to pick things up ey? ey?
JENN A; thanks for being a good sport with my constant bickering and sarcasm on you, I'm sorry. good job forreals.
ANN; thanks for also being able to withstand this evil man, haha.
AMY L; shoots you can be sarcastic as hell if you like, g'head, test me to see how people deal with sarcasm, hehe
ANGELI; don't think I'll ever visit you independently and spend time(s) there, it's really bothering me that I can't do it in this early time or in any time really. It sucks that I won't be able to see you.
SO yeah there you have it, I'm out of it and been out of it for a while. I still don't know why, it's hard to understand why. EAsssh I'm as stubborn as an elephant. I'm out.

Freakin Tarred yo. What!?
Tuesday, October 15, 2002 08:16 p.m.
I've been tired lately, I don't know why. I've been tired of thinking too much and getting the guilt trip and blaming that I don't deserve. Seeing that I don't have a solid thing to occupy me, thinking will creep by my shoulders now and then. Tch tch, eassh I just want to sleep for a week and eat whenever I want to and live off my room. I'm beat.
Is it day 9 or 10? I'm still holdin on.

Amendment to my Decision
Tuesday, October 8, 2002 12:25 p.m.
The following writing will be about a lady, since it is about a lady, it might relate to the last entry of having the 20day no lady, but this is an amendment to it, I am writing about a good thing that I experienced rather than sulk or feel down about women, just to clear things out. Archery this mornin and the class ended at 1040. So I went to the Math building to take my independent study test and I saw this lady that's attractive. It's not about her that this entry's about though. That somewhat made my day. But going back to my car after taking that 20 minute test that made my day and some minor freakouts in me. I was waiting at the bus station which takes you to the park and ride. I saw my oldest sister's friend(25)and we chatted to occupy time. In the corner of my eye was this girl. Attractive, not fancy, trendy or full of makeup, she had a natural beauty. Inside the bus, me and my sister's friend continued our conversation. Arriving at the park and ride, we separated and I scrambled on to catch up to the lady that caught my eye. I called out excuse me 3x until she finally saw me. I walked up to her and told her that "I know I'll never see you again but I'd like to know your name if it's cool." something like that. Her name was Amy... For the past few days I've been dreaming of a somewhat faceless or should I say memory-less beauty that I've been seein most of the time. For some reason in my dreams I asked who she was and the beauty responded that her name was Amy. Okay seeing that Amy is a common name in comparison to Anna, Jennifer, Sara etc... That freaked me out. Deja Vu feeling, although it was on the park and ride, the feeling of asking the faceless beauty and asking that Amy today was synchronized or related or SOMETHING... But yeah I never knew that I'd have the balls to come up to a random attractive person and do something like that. This made my day, although the chances are slim that we'd see each other, let alone her remembering me if we do, I feel awkwardy comfortable that I pulled something off. I did ask her if she'd like to go eat out at that time but I was just rushin and my mind was everywhere. Her name was enough and was an accomplishment. I shook her hand and told her well, nice meeting you AMy and she asked for my name and we separated and went on to our cars.
THIS IS STILL 20-day NO LADY, it's day 2.

It really hits me now that people have to separate
Sunday, October 6, 2002 11:22 a.m.
Heh, this doesn't make jack sense that I'd be here since I promised or tried my best to commit to something called net celibacy. In time I'll outgrow this blog and then move on with life er something more useful like a job. But yeah excellent night with close friends last night. Tch it sucks that it's definately obvious that location changes a person. That and there's more things in uh.. another location. SFSU bud chilled with us last night, that was the purpose of that day and although he's still the ghetto Friend that we've had, he still had some few minor retouches to his personality. He seemed more relaxed and outgoing compared to his.. uhm relaxed and outgoing personality. Seeing and reading through people who are far away, I feel like the country boy who stayed in the town village to run some kind of business while all my siblings or friends go off to distant lands and when they return I get all giddy hearing their vast stories and experiences. Tchh... it's just beating myself on my part. There are things that are in SJ, s'just that I dunno, I feel that I've atleast encountered or explored almost all of it. It's somewhat getting boring and lonesome but it's how one uses their time that makes everything last forever I guess. I am grateful that I don't suffer the factors of being distant: food, lodging, food, foood, food. but I really would've liked it if I went somewhere far. Only when my career hits off later on I guess, if I do manage to get out of here. Silent and hinting tendencies from parentals tell me of staying here and getting my job here. 1) s'okay if pays good 2) home's good, no hassle there but I really would like to fly off and go away from mama bird when I do start to understand how to use my wings. Tch Shit that was just tacky and i dunno "unoriginal" if that's a word. This is home though, gotta say that.
CHANGE
I didn't realize that people change a lot compared to changing only in small portions. Even close friends, distant and close to my area, change as they go on with their lives. I've been stuck on things that people would gradually change, but at times that's not the case. I view them more on how they would normally act but even I change every minute or hour and at times certain moments change me and alter my personality. So pretty much all I'm saying is that I can't really view friends as what they use to be or how they are, it's gotta be on constant speed that I catch up to every word, every action that they take. To me it's somewhat sad that this occurs since I can't pin them down, but that's how it is. Can't hate change, just gotta face it.
NOTE TO ALL:
i noticed that I talk a lot of things about girl issues. EAssh the whole journal sounds like a complete log of viewing women in my perspective and how I yearn and detest them, s'just plain depressing and sad. I gotta cut down on these things. 20-day no lady, with this I'll prolly get offline more and do work and also think and act more on things that are productive.
Take it easy and go on with yourselves. You know what I mean, I'll go on with mines. goodbye.

Friday to think and mentally shout.
Friday, October 4, 2002 11:16 p.m.
Today was a total good day. Woke up early for no damn reason, and ended up finishin everything that's due next week. Doin this all the way to the afternoon hours and just in time to go to an event. The place was packed, normally I thought by 7 it would still be somewhat empty but it started early this year so I just decided to watch a movie with my two friends. My bud had to jet to check on his lady and my other friend was left to finish the movie with me. Do you feel awkward at times that your bud of the opposite sex is taken and you can't do anything about it. Not that I'd advance even if she wasn't taken but don't know if people feel weird sometimes that you know that a friend is taken. Although relationships give freedom for both partners, won't the other significant feel weird? Well complete trust from both individuals and knowing that they complete each other's key but yeah.. Well I'd get jealous tendencies but it's all different in people. But yeah sitting with her on that movie theater, to me it felt weird that I couldn't conversate in a weird tone. Although my words are now controlled unlike the boonie boppin days, I still couldn't play around or even mess with her head, it would feel wrong and awkward. I also get a feeling of overprotectiveness, somewhat feelings of that person being distant although close since they have someone else on their minds. Again I don't assume or don't want anything to happen, it's just the feelings of the old days and the weird somewhat detached attachment that keeps me intact but at the same time confused. My head hurts now, I'm tired, I'm definately old now. Oh yeah I'm still sittin here waitin for that day. Can't search like what my friends and close loves told me, she'll come. I'm in no rush, just come in time. Nyeah, tch tch. I'm really lonely now. I'm out.

NO life.
Thursday, October 3, 2002 10:40 a.m.
Ahhh yeass, sleeping in for today. Managed to bs a math test and here I am at home rather than wake up 9 in the mornin to take an independent study math test. this will be my new plan. oh yeas.
About CSUs
parentals explain that all CSUs are similar, they're right but the whole thing that's good is the location, which I like and they disagree. They are all the same but the location you are in changes you dramatically or probably doesn't give you any change (me). If I did sign up in the old skool days of distant colleges I wouldn't be able to get in those things due to parentals giving me hints and pretty much saying it all out that they wouldn't fund me in a far place. I enjoy the college that I'm in but I could've been somewhere far and experiencing something new and nice. Honestly I have no life right now being here.
SIGHTINGS OF THE SPECIAL LADIES
So far in school I've seen two ladies that stood out so far in my weeks in college. The first lady was someone that I met through orientation back in may, I only saw her once recently but the feeling that she goes here's cool, on the down side it's hugge as hell in here. The second lady I've been seeing around recently almost once or twice a week. Tall but not tall over me, she's the lady that has long black hair and hot damn, she'd look like a model. Ever get those instances where you see a long haired beauty's back and you have the feeling that she is either 1) hot 2) not? yeah she's definately hot, and my raging hormones even gives me more adrenaline with her low cut jeans that she wears and something ladies call peasant tops, damn adolescence. Most likely upper classmen, she doesn't look young, but young enough. Damn me and lady ish. NO good deep or troubled reports today.

Wide awake - yeah original title woo hoo
Monday, September 30, 2002 03:30 a.m.
Sunday naps are killers. Because of that I'm awake. I can't sleep and I am completely bored because no one's online and there's nothing to do other than eating but still... I wanted to drive out in the wee hours but the adults usually end up camping in the living room for the night and I can't sneak out without bothering them. I don't know, the self-pity thing's still in me, I'm honestly lonely, and it's the one of those situations of no-one-understands-me-but-me things, which is honestly sad. tch tch. It's all good though, guess it will eventually pass. Damn it, I can't sleep for shits, I'm wide awake. Where are you mythological buddy? tch tch.. and I hear nothing but my echo.
weird ass ending. Good morning.

Uncomfortable continued
Saturday, September 28, 2002 10:55 p.m.
I did go to the event, it was a cotillion slash going to college slash mother's b-day celebration, ingenious and a slick deal in expenses. I helped er... fixed up the music equipment; lighting, sound, turntables, etc. Not mines but a friend who invited me, I would be his apprentice for the years to come so one day I can call on my own status as someone who spins. 3 hrs hanging around, the crowd began to finally arrive. Mostly family members but the group came, I felt awkward as hell. I didn't belong here, I felt the honored lady didn't feel comfy having me here. Shoots I haven't talked to her in ages in the past and yet I'm the invited guest by my friend. I wasn't invited officially, each one had a letter-invitation. I straight up felt that I intruded on this partay. So when the crowd came and all the familiar faces came as well, I decided to jet and head off. I recall making a scene since a girl friend of mine walked me out, she didn't have to, hot damn she looked good though. That because I'm in desperate emotional inbalance at the moment and she's also attractive. They were kind and honest individuals, they weren't my crowd though, I felt detached from their bond and if starting a friendship through new ones is an idea, I still didn't feel comfortable in these scenarios with them. They're good people but I just can't mesh, sorry.
Miscellaneous NOTE: based on readings and just plain self observation due to constant time, feelings occur inside of me more often than outside emotions. Pent up or built up feelings are more constant and strong in one-on-one bonding with women and also on terms of relationship. I have a hard time expressing true emotion since I know that my tendency is to wait or give in to a moment and never use my true intent of feelings. Anti-social due to these actions, it's common that I get emotions that only contain content inside me and it never goes out in the open. Physical contact is needed to show emotions rather than rely more on words. Not specifically the adult tone of physical contact, but seeing and having interaction in person is needed so that the emotion can go with the flow of the body movement.
SHOOOTS take that self-observation and books defining man, boo-yah.

Uncomfortable
Friday, September 27, 2002 11:46 a.m.
Remember the part in Forrest Gump when Jenny somewhat settles down with Forrest? There's one part where she just continually rests and sleeps, every day, all the time. Yeah felt like that today, slept for 13 hours, mahahhahahan, I don't know why, probably from the constant stay in school and having no proper break to take a nap for an hour or two. Probably
Ey, ever felt like you're a parasite or a third wheel of some sort? Since life has gone through everybody now and the social community of the 4 years is over, everybody tends to either stay or move on with their allies. Well lone wolf here, that would be me, decided to move on years ahead of time, although I've wasted years still staying around them during those times. I've made friends over those years, mostly from different groups. Now that everybody's somewhat independent it's nice to see that some are still staying strong. Recently I've been chillin with groups, friends yes, but I still feel awkward and defensive towards them. I am invited but I still feel that I'm intruding the friend's bond privacy or some sort of closeness that these group have. An upcoming event's happening, in which another group invited me to a gathering. It's all good, I know them but they'd be the people that you saw and said hi to but never fully hung out with. When this event comes, most likely I'll come in as an appearance more than a presence. So far makin sense? It'd be more comforting knowing that in each group that I've encountered recently, I would atleast stay with them through thick and thin. I make random appearances. J'believe in gut instincts and intuition? There's always a steady eye that watches over me in every group situation, it's not comforting but it's aggressive. Wouldn't you be feel uncomfortable if in your group, one befriends an annoying individual and through that, the individual stays with the group? Not saying I'm annoying, hopefully not, but I wouldn't want to be that close of that situation. Better to back off, and just walk away.
Befriend someone and make yourself happy alright?
First Love - Piano Instrumental

12 hours man, eash 12 hours
Wednesday, September 25, 2002 07:23 p.m.
Chilled in school for 12 hours, counting the classes. That's half the day man, but it was somewhat good. Whenever I'm in the student union I do more work compared to being at home, in fact I finished my next week deadlines and all I have to do's type those ish. There's really nothing to do once I get home, the feeling of being away from that comfortable, food filled house is nice. It's simple and there's no action. There's no action in the student union either but atleast I can do work. Know what's been goin in my weird head though lately? Silly ass scenarios of some random hotness walking through and sharing a study desk with me in the student union. Oh man, sad sad man. I'm gonna jet, speechless and full of shit.

I need a girl? do I? damn ush and p.diddy
Tuesday, September 24, 2002 09:16 p.m.
Damn at the present moment all the optimistic fluids in my head that are running through every course of my body's run out and obviously this led to a weird situation of driving for an hour and a half after class was dismissed around the park, in the big neighborhoods and going around suburbia. Thinking.. reminscing... of what though? I refer to it as MAN GRAINES seeing that I constantly get this shitty feeling. I dunno though, been talking to close lady friends and for some reason they all come to a conclusion that I need a lady, that I'm in a hurry to be with someone. Not the correct guess, all I'm hopin and searchin is the mythological single girl whom I can chill and spend afternoons with and for no reason due to boredom drive in the wee hours because we were bored. Of course if I was the person (lady) then I wouldn't entirely place my freedom in some person's hands because I was bored. See, get it? mythological? I don't think I'm yearnin for companionship, i know that I will bore the hell out of my lady and will spend less and less time with her because I have "her", the idea of getting someone and never the true basis of a strong relationship. Meaning I would waste someone that is more compatible with someone special and she wasted time encountering me. See? So yeah the mythological lady and the pessimisms at an all time high. I know and FOR REALs, it will never happen, my imagination plays the part and nothing more. My lady friends tried their best to reason out this odd man but now I don't even know how I think. I can't think now and I'm tryin less to talk, damn verbose individual.