Old by nature

KL unplugged.

Start off from my current and aggravated perspective that is eating away my soul. Through observations and conversations, different perspectives have been placed before me giving me a new view as to how I stand at the present situation. Here the spiral goes...

I think I can easily say that being still in the early phases of college life I still have the tendency to look back, no attach myself still to old values and ideals that seem or to be honest - highschool material. What saddens me is that I am aware of my current status and yet I continually allow it to go on. The case of recognition and association - swear it's highschool again when it comes to this issue, and yet I still value it to this day sadly. I'm still the victim of the case of "hey I know him/her" rather than let go of past desires and let college life be and let my education get the best of me and take me away into my desired principle of what I want to grow up to be. Is it really the fact that I'm still a few years not far from highschool mode that I still long for these emotions? Probably. But then I'd betray myself when I know I during those times turned against the tide and found myself - leaving the crowd that is known to me as sheep. But yeah at this current situation - learning and observing other perspectives I can sadly admit that I know understand that I'm still under this illusion and now with reassurance from new perspectives maybe I can probably start walking off from it and start a new slate. A slate of no 'associations from the past' or anything. I've managed to survive first year with this mentality, why would recurring memories now slow me down. Here's one thing - yes it is a part of me and denying this only increases the tension rather than alleviate or resolve any problem. As one would say "wait for third year to come along, then you'll see the things in a higher point of view" aka know a certain point of your current standing and also mature more in one's knowledge. I know I'm being analytical so that's one case to my irritation. I feel awful that I still cling to past events and past friendships - valuable yes but never something that runs you. Modesty is a good quality -through the actions that I've taken so far, whatever the level of discreetness it may be, it is still aka bragging and that's not healthy for one's well being. I guess I still have those feelings in the present time of how I want to change things in the past even though it's impossible and those feelings in return cause the haunting and recollecting of what was back then - that I wish it was still today.

In connection to the above here's another point in closure; times have changed - people themselves have moved on - attitudes have evolved - lives have turned for the better or worse. These factors has made everyone different as to who they were back then - rekindling old ties is possible but ofcourse it won't be the same. Yes you can talk about old times but if it continues on to the future most likely these old acquaintances will talk of the olden times - times in which you value but when you think about it, talking about the past not only limits your expansion but also makes you stationary of your mind set. Heh. since I've managed to pour this out of my feelings, guess I'm prepared to close the lid? It is a part of me as one would say - strongly attached to me to the point in which I grew up with this mentality whether I didn't realize or not because of the automatic associations I received. Let go. I can rest.

the Present:

There many opportunities out there which I haven't really tapped into. I feel very envious at people who've had the share of the ups and downs that I'll go through eventually as the years progress. The fact that their knowledge is unbiased and also reasonable, I respect them dearly. And also the fact that I know I still have a lot to learn. I'm assuming for one thing and also I'm being impatient. Let time pass by...with progress of course.

But this also comes to mind: enjoy and make the most of time. If one knows for a fact that one thing doesn't add flavor or passion to one's belief or enjoyment, it's rightfully true to leave a position in the present which doesn't suit you. When given an option to do it, why not take the initiative yah? So at the present time I know there are many progressive outlets that I can delve into. Is it indecisiveness or the tendency to get taken away that I am now deciding to leave my current state. Half yes but I know it's what's my own self is telling me to do.

The naive schoolboy, as I often refer to myself. Truth and a jokingly description, I know I haven't gotten into things that would consider to be an experience. Being presented with perspectives from the 'past' and 'present' , they have given me a better knowledge and education as to what I can learn from them and what I can adapt to my own lifestyle and approach to life itself. Things to remember: go with your own self, trust your own rather than one's advice, value advice, learn, educate, expand, let go, network.

The big league's beginning to unfold - time to sacrifice old habits and ways in return for a better outcome and a new understanding. Knowledge never stops.

Yes, I'm over-analytical, that's who I am.

I'm bowing out.

The 1/2 second breather.

It's 1-ish in the afternoon and all I can do at the moment before my class starts in 30 minutes is to vent or release some steam... once again.
In terms of production/ productivity - yes everything has finally come into place and the excuse of not being able to finish a task is now left to be seen as bs. So with that in mind and knowing well of the consequence (i.e. bad show) - I have to start acting up and prioritizing life in terms of business and discipline. I haven't really taken it into heart on the issue of sacrifice for the sake of something new in turn. In the case of the production - I'll admit that I still cling on to loose affairs that'll take me away from my job. Seeing that everything's rolling faster, I'm only left with the decision on when I'll start leaving old concepts and methods behind. Time isn't on my side so I have to act up or else I fear I'll become a loose factor/ weak link. How do you take care of this?

Aside from that project, school's somewhat been in a slump for me - lack of motivation as a whole has given me nothing but extended sleep and lack of energy to work. As much as I get guidance and motivation I still don't know what to do.

The negative VIBE:
It's official that there's a vibe that doesn't flow through this semester. I'll just leave it with the issue that there's really no love but just strong professionalism going on in each of our heads. So much so that the comradery is not evident or even alive. A form of respect and admiration yes but never a good sense of the bond that's suppose to be happening. I myself lack the strength to pull something off as well.

kenniving.pitas.com
Monday,March 15,2004

Eat this shitbreak.

8:43 am - so far the day's turning out sunny and non-stressful. Things to consider and remedy since they are priorities:
3.8.04 A14 canvas due.
3.10.04 AAs33B paper due.
Prob is the issue on an out of the moment downsouth trip which is somewhat mandatory. Don't know, being that there's no solid transportation, why even go, tch tch. That and I could use my weekend for the priorities above. Horseshit people, it's just horseshit.

Misc. things
- don't know why i'm proud a pornstar is from local sj (kira kener)
- as much as this lady friend is 'okay', i find it odd that she'd share so many things and be somewhat annoying but conceal it discreetly in this good natured vibe. Blows how when you do start chatting it up will you recognize this. But hey, no one has the right to judge. Scratch the entire comment.

kenniving.pitas.com
Thursday, March 4, 2004

A useless attempt

Although I can admit I haven't done any productive work to lead me to my current state, I know though that there are other factors that can also lead to becoming "burnt out".
I guess it'd be stress - both minor and major - that are hindering my abilities to even do any work. I'm tempted to take on a counseling service but I know this will be a last resort since I believe I still have some ish left in me to start working.
Along with that, the common tendency of yearning for someone - damn these years - is making me more useless and brainless. I have no outlet or even guidance to comfort me at the moment. Peers are on the side for support but I can't really openly give them my problems.
In terms of being a director this year, I really don't dig the idea of having no solid ground to work on and I'm lead to possible chances rather than actual progress. If this symptom of burning out/zoning continues then I don't think I'll participate in the next event the following year.

I need a solid structure to confirm myself that everything's on the go.
Sex is a good stress relief. - if only. (heh)

kenniving.pitas.com
Wednesday, March 3, 2004

wisdoms (4)

I feel weaksauce at the fact that I couldn't pull myself together after the teeth surgery. I knew that I could still move normally but I gave in to the house comfort and easily slipped in to the cushions of pillows and food comfort. Along with this, I allowed myself to be taken in and avoid doing productive work - now I'm forced to pull a halfasser in order to finish my work, something that could've been done earlier. Damn... I feel worthless once again.

Here's what sparked my interest lately - it's been going for a while and it's just interesting for some reason:
Xanga - the common masses.
Blogger, Pitas, Geocities and other html-formatting sites - independent.
Live Journal - darkside/elitist/profound views.

I find it interesting that there's a rift due to these factors. I'll admit I have the division attitude - I admire more of my accomplishment in making this site rather than having my x-account. But people are inclined to be curious and also to be involved in anything. All of those sites have the common thing of being a shared community and the fact that they are all online texts that people can read whether if it's a chosen group or an open site that anyone can access. In joining xanga I knew I'd get closer to the people whom I've managed to know and in turn they will be able to access this (if they choose to). I'm cluttered with mix reviews of people saying things, negative mostly. The thing is anyone can have all these accounts and anyone can also claim one of the three groups. Don't worry I won't advocate any site or anyone, so don't find this offensive or anything - enhance your calm my good friend, this is only a trivial thing that popped in my mind and I just wanted to write this. I'd like to get more into this later so I'll expand this in another entry if I remember.
I can't think. I have to get on track once again. This entry will be changed soon.
kenniving.pitas.com
Sunday, February 29, 2004

Tired, Beat, Confused.

I haven't been in the best of mood for the past few weeks. With the lack of effort in my reading assignments and the issue of unstable backstage preparations, although I have the time of day in each area, I still can't keep myself in check. Wonder if I have adult ADD?
I don't dig this phase in my life, the whole questioning of anything debatable - life itself as a teen/adult. Not necessarily saying I want to be a drone to the masses, but all I want is a situation where things are in place and minor setbacks are just minor setbacks and never diseases that tend to spread through my own actions. I can't dwell to much on this since I prefer anonymous information rather than spill out all my ideas and perceptions all in this one entry. Either way I just don't dig the idea. Only in rare occasions, probably.
I can't think.
I need a stress reliever in this indecisive fool that is me.

kenniving.pitas.com
Thursday, February 26, 2004

Things ahead...

It seems that everyone has a personal struggle going on this semester. I won't go into details, let's just leave it to anonymity to make things broad and also understandable for everyone.
But what's life without a challenge eh? It's not normal to have a really really calm situation - one or two at the least will surely annoy or pester your very existence and you must admit to yourself that these things, regardless if they vary or not, are part of your everyday life that keeps you up. Otherwise you'd be left with a dull existence.
Making any sense? not really.
I just wanted to let some inner steam pressure out of my pores.

good luck to the troubled. (including me)

kenniving.pitas.com
Saturday, February 21, 2004

It's only been somewhat 3 weeks.

S.O.S. - same old sh..
Well aside from my usual habits of hermitizing up in secluded areas of the campus, there's some good developments so far - I wouldn't really say good but they're developments that would highlighted some points of my weeks so far.
One issue is the ability to kick some semi philosophy ass in class. Well it was only one day but hey, the fact that the future leaders of america-type students weren't there gave me an opening to swoop in and take charge and ask philosophical/debatable questions. So that floated my boat.
Another is the broad issue of raging hormones.
For example, two weeks ago I managed to get a name from the opposite sex - sweet. Now, that's as far as I can go and I can say that this accomplishment in itself is good enough for me. For my other friends, asking their number and going all the way is a much more better approach - mad respect for them. Continuing on: I managed to get this lady's name that worked in the SU store - due to the fact that I went in that store for 2 weeks straight not for her but for actual shopping leftovers that I didn't get before school. It was just coincidence that she just happens to work in the morning, heh. Only recently coincidence happens once again. And my assumption got a hold of me rather than my own intuition that's separate from the assumption conscience. Waiting outside the store one day for my friends inside, I peeked in and there she was also buying something from the store. Now during the time I was waiting, there was this fellow waiting along with me. I found it odd that the lady even opened the door to my friends outside. The clinch: the man waiting along with me was waiting for her. So assumption kicked in rather than impulse to atleast call her name out - even if she didn't remember me, least i managed to this action. But I didn't - she walked away fairly close with the individual while I walked on the opposite side with my two lady friends. Assumption: either the guy's a close friend that would wait for any close friend or probably the relationship in itself - the boyfriend. The second choice would obviously be a downer but the first assumption was still a downer. So I felt bummed out the rest of the day. MORAL - why was i even thinking of these things? can't afford, no time, no commitment at any degree and no confidence within me to even go with such a lady.
Like I said, raging hormones.
I just can't understand why I have these feelings - instant attraction, instant smitten-disease, etc. But I guess this is how it works, I'd be dull without it, more dull than my normal self.
Finally, I thank the brothers who opened their doors and yet I never really crossed over or even step foot in the first place. Thanks Gtek, Blake, Ted - the tease (me) has left that portion of life, thank you for your time and patience. I feel really awful in doing such a thing when I know I can't go full on, that's why I'm saying this now as a something to make amends.
This semester's somewhat challenging: Backstage director, 4 consecutive classes, 1 6hr class (yep you read it right). The classes are okay, the director task however is a big step. A co last year, I don't think I have the balls to brace up and take charge - but I have no choice since the one who taught me knowledge and skills is already passed his service and he knows that as much as he enjoys doing this, he's comfortable enough to pass it on and leave the job to someone else (he's had enough, in a good way).
So the weeks were taken up by either semi studying or just the thought of that lady. I'd say it's productive.

That's what's eating me so far - thanks for your time.

I heard sex is a good stress relief.
Reading this, did you assume something? tch tch horrible.
Listening to: Teddy Thompson: Love Her For That

kenniving.pitas.com
Thursday, February 19, 2004

I just confronted myself a minute ago.

Pseudo-bond
I can't study, i'm somewhat swayed by something in my mind. What to do. what to do indeed.
I'm frustrated in the issue of making a decision in which at first I thought it was based on external circumstances (i.e. people and views) but in honesty it was more in the interpersonal level - something that I know I can't contain or even understand.
The hell do you do when a decision comes to mind and yet you do know the answer but deep inside there's still the contradiction of yourself that wants to deny the right answer. The answer in itself overweighs the challenge - so why do i still continue on with the front. In all honesty, I can leave this place without this sort of merit or rank - it's an option I can take so it's not a mandatory issue in my life to go forward and take.
I have conflicts within myself - I know for sure I'll change in a way that I'd want myself to change while at the same time expect the drawback of this fast alteration and along the lines of change get the negative vibe that i know I'll get from it. Not because of the issue and it's influence, but by my own decision to be taken in and gradually become a changed individual without proper balancing my rights and wrongs in my own personal attitude.
Two close individuals have the same hesitation but at different perspectives - regardless, we all know that the decision's solely based on ourselves. In my case, the solid answer that I've had all along has been the answer for all the times I've been here.
Other individuals contribute to my decision - people whom I have mad admiration for and hope to somewhat be similar to them but in some form not similar to their ways. These people show true intent without manipulation and their views come first before their purpose at hand at those moments. Mad thanks to these people for their views and expressions even if you don't know that you're helping me.

I'm as naive as I was 10 yrs. ago. I'll do my search some other time. My intent would probably be false in the first place and I know this for sure with the fact that I admit to it.

So. I've decided to decline the offer.

kenniving.pitas.com
Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Add ons

Additional hopeful:
I wish and hope I was more articulate in everyday living.
- hope to be articulate.

kenniving.pitas.com

Good stuff...
New year hopefuls and possible DO's:
- listening to old vinyls on the 6th floor.
- attending art galleries for the purpose of inspiration.
- going overtime at the MLK
- 3x a week
- hopefully have 'gratuitous attraction scenes' this semester

A fool can hope you know. Other than that, the home-dependent student must make the most of these precious years.

kenniving.pitas.com