Understand the reality that i'm still young, naive, xangonious and a dork.

weaksauce or just didn't have enough to eat to sustain the fluids? hmm...

I can't think. When you feel heartbroken, it blows. And when you're dismissed, ooh, eashh that blows as well.

When a person is intoxicated, the chemicals that rush in our brain, i'm guessing the endorphins - just really guessing, creates a haze but a very upfront, almost blunt approach in whatever you say and perceive of life. Aside from yourself being in this state, even if one weren't, if you observe the closest people that you've been with for years and for a while, you'll see the underlying nature regardless of the assumption that hey it's the "it" factor that's making them do it. Why say that? If a person can hold it, then damn they have control. If they can't then they allow themselves to do it, a form of control in itself that they allowed themselves to be that way. But yeah, you get to understand people, that's why it's always a good time.
Yep pretty much romanticized drinking there ey kids? Fuck i'm such a dork.

kenniving.pitas.com
Thursday, May 27, 2004

Heh.

To you, you know who you are
So...
I see...
....
I can't say anything really but i'll take the action of always being there. count on it.

To the other lady - cheers to you
No this isn't the same serendipituous lady this is the lady with the short-term bubbly (see entry END CREDITS). A friend of friends and also a personal friend as well. Spending specific days together makes you wonder. I don't mind, honestly don't. What would be good is an indication of something. If there isn't HEY it's not the end of the world. I'll still be your partner in crime.

kenniving.pitas.com
Tuesday, May 25, 2004

It's you again.

In the case of serepdipity - fortunate accidents, would one call it fair that these circumstances do happen for a reason? heh. I dunno.
I'm typing away right now just for the sake that yes I am occupying my time in the library because I can't study. And because I'm thinking of her....
Numerous instances have come and go and to be honest none of them have been really in my favor due to reasonable situations such as the fact that yes we were both busy at those times. Even to the recent situation that I just had a couple hours ago, it still wouldn't be a good call to take initiative.
Would i even take initiative?
Ever since first year i've seen that mysterious lady that i've mentioned in a past entry and I've ranted on how much missed opportunities occured due to my actions. Like I said, even to this present day I don't think i can. But if I did then I will say that I'd probably freeze and stall. I don't know if people take this much of an effect on a person when you don't or haven't really had a formal introduction. But apparently it did on me - sad isn't it?
If things turned in my favor like for example she's by her lonesome going home after today then maybe i'd take initiative. Then this would seal off this dumbass closure that I seek from just a stranger. But if it didn't happen and things don't come to place then hey....
...she's the girl i normally see in school
...and she's the girl that I learned from the next time this sort of scenario occurs in a different lady. That's closure in itself. I honestly would like to end this day so I can just go home, sleep and hope for the better on finals tomorrow. Heh. short-term crush from oldman kp.

kenniving.pitas.com
Wednesday, May 19, 2004

END CREDITS

It's been ages, literally ages since I've written anything that's based on rantings or just odd observations. So, here I go again...

This semester's coming to a close - the JETS are running through my blood - Just End The Semester syndrome - and I'm somewhat grateful but sad that things are coming to an end. Concept taken from Triad boss, Ted.
BACKSTAGE DIRECTOR circa Jan. - Apr. 2004
Earlier this semester I was given the position of being backstage director (bragging by anychance? heh). Being a co-backstage director the year before, I felt confident that I could fill in the director's shoes - a good friend which I deeply admire and trust and I hoped that I could do the same or even better in the positive sense to make the show come alive like how I saw it when I was still in the ropes. I was still in the damn ropes during the director position and I learned a lot over the four months on the position of backstage directing, group core meetings and all its negative politics that developed. Oh politics, yessuh, damn politics which shaped people's perceptions and outlooks. But close this topic with this: Granted we have the ability to perceive each of us a certain way, we don't overall have the power to judge anyone - no one has, no one has a right to. So close it with - "just leave them be" and respect who they and we are. In terms of the backstage directing - woooeeee, eash was it physically demanding and mentally tiring - being that new things were abound this year, new things were tried out and in this department driving a rented van, storing rented props, researching strategic showtime transitions and others took a toll on my mental state. All thanks to the appointed team that I was part in that we managed to still keep our composures and mental breakdowns in minimum sight, heh, those months were the days. Post show gave me reasons to end this position this year, not just within my own choice but also through external forces (i.e. the household) so now I search for potential successors that can take over knowledge that I got from the past.
THE TRIAD, VESTAX and BIG BRO
At the end of the show, friendships were formed which made lasting impressions on me, regardless of my detached attitude (which i will discuss later). The TRIAD is a group consisting of me and two other fellows in which informative discussions were shared and expressed. Vestax is a fellow individual in which certain similarities can be discovered but all in all we're both different in some aspect. The man has good goals and intentions in life and I hope he finds his right path that he constantly seeks at the present moment. BIG BRO is the man which I've managed to confide in which is in the tone of both big brother and equal. A keeper man, this guy's a character, a person that'll only come once in a lifetime. Glad that I met this man in a world where it's a rarity to relate in common views, no matter how close people are in your perspectives. I won't go on each individual(s) fully since I'll go on forever and things are just meant to be kept within your own mindframe as much as I share info right now.
SHORT-LIVED Bubbly
It's short-lived, it's reasonable as to why I had it so yeah, it was fun when it lasted. War and conflict will occur, haha. Short-lived indeed. Thanks though, now i understand the bubbly effect that people go through, being me the beast that lives in that abandoned castle. Damn, my glasses are fogging up now.
DETACHMENT, prelude to 02
I don't know what's up but now that i've had a higher mentallity like that of back then, I now understand one thing - I just like to be the sole person in my own conflicting world. Eh? confused? Simply put - as much as I've grown with people, past or current, I just want my private space to be bigger than the usual consensus of what personal space is. So what does that mean? A clean slate on things but with the twist that I feel different to me since I've had a different mentallity these past years. The difference - I'll be distant but still be approachable to the people that I've grown accustomed to. I just need this, so let me be.
CONCLUSION
I've seen a lot of things these past two years, this semester being the major year in which things have developed me into what I perceive others and myself. People come and go, the mentallity of things being impermanent - this case the stance of people is not negative but positive - the more I explore and move on, the more I can just check new outlets out in the open. EAssh it's not that i'll disappear, i'll still be around. Sigh. I'm beat. who still reads this, honestly.

kenniving.pitas.com
Sunday, May 16, 2004

The more you know who you are,
and what you want,
The less you let...
things upset you

- Bob Harris/ Lost in Translation