Fork man! Shiiiiit I was right, I just needed fresh air .
Saturday, September 7, 2002 02:13 p.m.
Damn, come to think of it and going through old entries, eash I'm way down on my perspectives and I'm placing myself down in some weird situation that makes no sense. That's just great, it's all full of shit, hmmm. well actually all are emotional highs of a particular day so pretty much all a load of crap. tch tch, having a melancholy outlook sure looks bad, eassh , it's just depressing, add a few songs to encourage such emotions and you bring out the big guns. Think lightly, ease on the downer songs, get fits of emotional high on lighter points. That and also occupy oneself from having too much time, great day the other day, excellent night, just needed to go out and play.

Pho Nam sessions, haha.
Wednesday, September 4, 2002
The Elusive Corey, I'll just say Core. This man's been in every conversation that I'm in between my sister and her friends that I befriended, the man gives off a weird vibe of responsibility and just.. plain weird vibe. I'm plainly just idolizing him, the man's a man, man! His weird ass quotes during that night while we were having dinner:
"Late bloomer huh? they're dangerous, it's like hot sauce, once you taste it, you can't eat without that shit."
"Plenty of fish, and plenty of me to go around"
"Yeah japanese women, they're mushi mushi, hehe"
Even though his methapors and advice were slightly off and ghetto, he was sick to the point that he's cool to talk to and even if I have a huge age gap, there seems to be no stoppin the man o man advices. I should "spread myself out thin", rather than placing things in one place, go head and be promiscuous ey? Tch tch, well it's a good reason rather than be in bad shape brooding over something that might not happen or might lead to disappointments in any relationship. I don't know why but I got caught back in the past again of the instances where my sisters had influencial men in their lives, Core pretty much gives off a big brother or type of leader ish influence, he seems well off in his life. Tch tch.

Starting to enjoy the guitar and a glass of milk in one hand.
Monday, September 2, 2002 05:58 p.m.
Abstract ass title, guitar means more music ranging beyond satins sheets and lighted candles and milk that I can't bear but still drink the constant pain, plain and simple lactose intolerant boy. J.Ly, sigh.. caught me off guard there ey, shoots now I'm definately in a standstill. Question was that do you feel like you need a lady, well to readers, it'd be in your hands like the price is right by saying higher or lower, unfortunately I can't make such quick decisions, the question has a better hold of me, tch. I don't know, this entry won't really relate to the title since it is abstract or going to be full of anxiety that will soon be written by me after this sentence. Wai.. it does relate since it is abstract, there's no relation, I dunno. Hmmm.. the question and the decision, I'm in no rush, no one's forcin my ass, I'm just plain lonely, and the solution of a significant other is one of many solutions to the loneliness, not a straight forward answer but it's an answer, a multiple choice answer. I watched a show recently and it was observing the cycle of adolescence and that more often, we think of lust rather than love, heh, like I didn't know that shit, of course I'd be thinking of lust, Love's such a strong word, I know for a fact I'm superficial in making judgements of what's attractive and I make decisions that always relate to sex, er that's what the Freud man said, well not entirely sex but the cycle of every thinking is supposedly all have a connection with sex, oh that magic rub, so many jokes, so little time. Hmm.. well I'm not negatively sulking like a mofo, pretty much writing out of disgust of what I'm feeling right now, the feeling of anxiety, loneliness, independence, responsibility and the constant fight with jealousy, at whatever subject. Damn that mango's paired up with the banana, ooh jealousy, see like that. tch tch. not one of my wiser entries, I'm just blowing off steam. Well here's what I've learned so far; I take shit seriously, the pure skematics of that pile of execrement that kind of seriousness, I get over emotional although it's barely seen by the naked eye, I get weird ass tendencies of yearning when I don't need a Lady, I'm still young, someone pointed that out, priorities first rather than a commitment that might be the end of duuhr priorities. Uhmm based on self help books jealousy's an issue because of lack of trust and lack of self love, the first part's coo, I can understand and will use that in life, trust then understanding and the self love.. uhm I guess that'll be improving oneself, selflove's a weird ass title. I've just been frustrated lately, it's the growing mind I guess, I have still have things that I want to do and some are never to come alive or true, better to realize that than end in vain or hopelessness, and things that just require time and just plainly letting go of life and letting things go unplanned. Self containment to just let things come and go, and allow things to go in and let feelings go out, it's plain and simple. But OF CouRse, how's that possible in my mind, it's easy it's just that I don't allow it, hehe. pretty much. I'm full of feelings and repressed emotions, aarrrgghhhhh and yesterday I found the elusive lost 100.oo dollar bill, made my day even worse and feelings of anger turned up, I just wanted to either run, punch or just drive somewhere isolated and just sit and watch the night lights. Spent yesterday still ponderin on adolescence and now I've realized and learned things, good but still I'm not feeling acceptance and accomplishment within me.

Closing - compiled an attempt Alt cd, somewhat successful, tracks from old favorites and majority of songs in two station's playlists online. What stood out TOnic_Take me As I am, Lenny_If I could fall in love, due to the lyrics and massive guitar use, pretty sick. I just want to start over in where I feel comfortable, obviously I don't and I want to be as well traveled as possible. I'm not what I can't be or dream of, gotta just stay the same rather than attempt impossible changes and horseshit. Can't be a rocker or the devoted dj, only the half assed individual who love whatever type that passes me by, half assed meaning I won't go to the extent of being a follower, just taking tiny steps and moving to other things, I'm just... I dunno I'm confused and I can't define what I'm feeling. Falling apart but not snapping, frustrated but holding it in, I'm full of it, can't contain it at times and at times I just want to be alone when I honestly want something. There, lots of steam, lost abundant amount of thinking for the next few days, nice that there's art classes rather than long thinking, now I'm beat and I just want to leave off by saying that I'm just letting you go, simple as that. i can't be what I try to be and I can't complete whatever the blind demand of life wants. Complex simplicity I dunno, more like no life.

Play, Repeat Ctrl + T,
Saturday, August 31, 2002 12:57 a.m.
Playin I need a Girl pt. 1 instrumental on loop doesn't really help me but it's a sick beat I'll say that. Hmm.. If I did get with someone or start something, what will I do then? I'm caught up in the process of searching and all that desperate act of bonding with someone but if it does happen, AM I GONNA BLANK OUT? tch tch. Where is she...

Caught in the middle of.. what
Friday, August 30, 2002 09:03 a.m.
Everything seems to have changed. A new approach? Can't define it well but the situations are all different and... it's frustrating for no reason, probably because I can't control anything. The trip to frisco last week, ever since that day, I felt completely different, independent in the level of being a loner rather than independent with confidence of being there for oneself. It's only been the beginning I'll say that but I feel as if the couple of days to come, my situation will feel more like a routine and never an ever changing moment, I might feel more depressed compared to last year if this becomes a reality. Counting Crows - Color Blind and Graig Armstrong - This Love, doesn't really help my setting but it's been for an odd reason given me an atmosphere that I'm familiar to, loneliness. Don't think I can follow my motto of no expectations and assumptions theory, with my constant odd behavior of yearning, it doesn't make sense that I have a positive mental attitude and contradict that with what I do and feel ever real day. It's only been the beginning, dammit, and yet like I said, it might become like this for a long time. I don't think I'm clinging or recollecting my past, I don't feel that I've used outdated ideas, rather try my best to show myself. Fuckin frustrated, it doesn't make sense.
Words that also bother me from a lyric that probably hits me, usually the case when it bothers you:
Do you trip on love?
Do you run from magic?
When you kiss someone, do you make it tragic?
If you feel too much, do you start to panic?
When your word comes up, do you trip on love?
So what's the prognosis? A trippin, single loner who is at the same time afraid of changing, scurred to death and fears the feeling of constant change of everyday life. My mood's off, I'll just say that.
I'm thinking again.

To Amish and her question answered
Relationships:
1) I fear commitment
2) A jobless mofo, I'm afraid of showing my true funds
3) In relation to 2), can't support at the moment, it bothers me knowing that I'm helpless.
4) I'm secretive in many ways
5) Over time a routine might occur, losing happiness
6) I fear commitment

I wouldn't want to engage in a friendly stage of relationship due to possibility of false seduction, rejection, and disappointment coming from both of us caused by one of us or both of us.

Can't mess, can't bond, I'm stuck at a standstill.

Hyprocrite, F 'in waste.
Saturday, August 24, 2002 10:33 p.m.
I'm faced with another problem, damn this thinker. Hypocrite to the last drop and poser I might add, I've had these feelings for a while, damn the f'in adolescence, not good yo. It only hit me until now that I try to indulge the fascination of many and never truly my own self, this led to my discovery at the last minute, well I don't know if it's entirely last minute. It's annoying hearing the inner thoughts hear the outside mouth and how it acts and how it recognizes that it isn't the original person that's talking, it's the image and the falseness the inner being created. Yeah weird mofo I am. Now the problems been made and a false image has errupted. I'm not what it seems I guess, the troubled youth on the outside is more, dark, down, depressed and confused of how to cope with inner problems that duuhr only the person can understand. Put on a false gesture, even to family and friends, that's the sad thing about it, not even the closest can see what goes on. Kept so good that no trace or even a mistake can be seen to break the shell. Went to frisco, felt like a dick, don't know why, I still enjoyed the trip. No grudge on anyone, not one at the moment, i just felt like a dick reminscing on all past instances where my stupid mouth acted on itself. Frisco gave me a glimpse of reality, away from sheltered SJ where the commoners are people who look, feel and act like me. There the intimidation and curiousity came alive, the vastness and many undiscovered areas that I want to experience, it's INTIMIDATING. I wanted to be there for a while and understand the streets, the areas and all the nice places to come and go. The feeling there made me feel as if I've been there for days, arriving back here made me feel different as if I'm once again bare naked, even though I only went there for one day. That much of a pull made me see the different people, the eccentric individuals that walk the streets, urban people and normal clothed people, away from the typical and sad fate of SJ. That day gave me a wake up call and more fear of what I can be. I'm certainly off my past and now encountering the fear of the new futures to come. I need to be original and take off the image that I use everyday. If I'm a jerk or a dork, fine. A dick or a wuss, g'head. Gotta be original. A jean commercial back there, I'm bein true to what I just said, gotta take off the falseness.

Edited horoscope that means well
Thursday, August 22, 2002 01:39 a.m.
In a difficult spot right now and I know it. As a result, becoming quite worried. The problem: created a situation for yourself in which you are not being honest and supportive of your true self. real deep down desires are not being recognized. Instead, made compromises along the way that have led down a road that is not meant for you to be on. focus on yourself and ask honestly what your true desires are. take a look at the big picture and see what others around you are doing. rearrange life in order for one to get back on the track that resonates with one's true soul. Love is a big part of the equation and right now you may feel a bit isolated from it. first step is to love yourself.

Gotta start sooner or later.
Thursday, August 22, 2002 12:08 a.m.
A conversation that had the answer which I only realized the day after. If I had forgotten it or simply breezed through it, I would've lost the words the next time there was ever such a thing of that concept coming up in a discussion.
It's not a person, another one that's holdin me.
What a suprise, it's me
The past held memories that were both traumatizing and special in my head. Memories that should've been left alone or placed to rest, memories that assured a place that would never be forgotten in a lifetime. Afraid of the outcome of life, it's the forced fate of being out in the real world that hinders me. The past gave me a sheltered atmosphere of sibling friends friendships, groups, a society of intellects, a place in crowds, old friends to start unfinished past friendships and old friends to become more intimate and become more close and personal. I meshed into a society that I could bear, twice if I remember it, tryin old and new to see what shoe fits. I assimilated to a society, underwent changes and found individuals that could and couldn't satisfy my loneliness and laughter. Through all these years I've realized the same pattern, even at worse situations do I get a second alternative route or a fall back solution. I realized only this year and recently of thinking outside that individual thinking becomes more personal and more balanced in any nature as it obviously serves your expectations rather than please others and their everyday thinking. It's a shame that I wasted years of having no life, even in inner circles did I feel empty, never did a selected few give me the satisfaction of what pure friendship is. Tacky at this point of writing? true to that but it's plain truth, hurts to see it and write it. Gotta start sooner or later.
In terms of love, I caught the world of the impossible, things that should've been placed to rest in my heart and in my imaginations. I'm grateful the expectations came up at some points in my past, nicely done indeed, but as always there was a pattern, a sudden fall to those dreams. I cling to past memories, and I cling to a mentallity that people would call selfish and uhm... well plainly just selfish. Been thinking as usual and if I placed little effort, things would've gone smoothly in levels of relationships and feelings on both sides would've been resolved quickly or never occur at all. Heh, I've just been thinking lately, that's all.
I'm scared of what will occur in the years to come, I've been under the influence of individuals who gave up or never came up ever again. I fear of what I have, er what I will prove if a situation arises. My thinking's been on the level of being the follower, tch, under their advices and points of view did I run my everday life, no kidding.
Superficial and hypocritical is what I've been full of and felt in the recent years, done somethin opposite of what I wanted to do, done things that proves only the fool and never the wisest individuals. Made a fool of myself through expectations, had to say that.
I fear rejection, the feeling of emptiness and the feeling of being just the plain self that I was or were. Heh, I went through a full circle and I'm smack once again in the position of doing something I always never understand. I hate starting over, I've had the mentallity but I back out at the chances that go to me everyday.
I should finally let go of the past and move on, that's the solution that's been hidden in fragments of conversations with people and close intimates. Worn out ideas and memories become useless and yet I've managed to get people's attention. Letting go, ...

Closing: J.Ly, blind motivation. J.A., blind motivation. Donell Jones's Come Back contradicts the album called Life Goes On and I'm still superficial cleansing, boo.

One ride and the problem's solved
Tuesday, August 20, 2002 09:36 a.m.
Boo, damn I have to grow up now.
Broham, needed that talk and it paid off.

Sandy Ass
Friday, August 16, 2002 04:37 p.m.
Yesterday on 8/15 I chilled with people for a bbq at the beach in Sunset Beach, located at Santa Cruz. Weather's cloudy seeing that from a distance Monterey was near. Food was good, charcoal bad. The weather didn't stop me and a few others to go into the cold water, cursing out around little children. AHh yes, good times, cursing my shivering body. After the cold swim my body went shivering abnormally and it caused major action in my legs causing the right leg to go out first in a muscle spasm and later on with the left leg. We were beginning to start dodge ball but it was interrupted with my weak body. After that, I felt like an oldman in the physical state, I know I'm an old man inside fo sho, haha. Unable to do movement for the whole gaming experience, I sat there watching them, honestly I wouldn't last if I played with normal legs, hehe. When I did recover, my legs were stiff, and no rapid movement like running or long walking, shit, walking in general. Oh yeah that pretty much made my memorable moment in that day. Later on in the future I'll tell my kids that their dad was a weak little girl, damn thas jus depressin. Slowly into the afternoon people started leaving, 8 were left and we started a bonfire where I blinded every individual with my flash, hehe, HEY that felt good hearing them scream in pain. It was a good experience, chilled with people I rarely hang out or talk to and people whom I have no clue who they are. They didn't seem to mind me, it was all good. Goin home at 10 ish I had to quickly rinse out all the sands in my clothes and in places where the sun don't shine. I still had some in me so I decided to go around town with my sis in the wee mornings. I slept halfway home, damn I was too tired. The beach walks and struggling made my legs soft and worn out. This morning I'm questioning myself to why I am sore in the weirdest places, yep you know. That and my sore legs, they still haven't recovered. I gotta walk off the limp now.

To fly off again.
Monday, August 12, 2002 12:29 p.m.
A premonition? No, or was it the truth? Dreams that haunt me and fantasies that pierce through me spins round and round almost every night. It scares me, yes, but it doesn't give me clue to what it really means. A faceless beauty, could she be the one, a never ending fantasy, will I attain it, and a fear of my family, what will happen to them. It bothers me at times seeing that I come alive in the dreams and never that equal to the real world. Of course sitting here won't really do anything, only actions creates things to occur. What will become of these dreams, they occur more and more and although different at times, there's a link, a chain that makes them similar, almost the same. It is said that dreams occur with people having too much thoughts on their minds, a dreamless person has nothing more than a good rest and a healthy state. I need that. What am I thinking? At times I'm frustrated and I don't know the reason, it's unbearable and makes me miserable at times and moments. I just don't know what to think of now or what to do. Frustrating yes.

The pin that held me down
Sunday, August 11, 2002 02:39 p.m.
It's coming to a close, I've done nothing, honestly... nothing. Has there been any new events or experiences, yes a few and a recent one. Those however doesn't satisfy this old man. Tch tch. It's always at the end that the actual events and experiences come alive and only at the last minute does one realize that it's almost at a close. Insomnia doesn't help either, as it continuously gives me more time to think of the time that's wasting away. It's bothersome and annoying, the situation at the moment. Would I change it over at the next stop? Probably, try and try again. Assumption and frustration's in the mix, I don't want that, I just need that old feeling. Reminiscing doesn't qualify as thinking, it makes you think of the old and out of the new, and so does thinking of the future. Stay the same? I'm not sure I can. I'm not sure I can stay... the same.

I think too much.