Natural intoxication
Saturday, August 2, 2003 01:30 a.m.
Heh, you've heard of the plot in life where a person's hopelessly in love with a person they can't attain. Well how bout this, a person hopelessly lost and loving nothing in the present and future days and years to come. A PERSON HOPELESSLY UNINLOVE? Yeah bad grammar and a bad opposite term to in love, but hey, it's my writing, alright. Isn't it more interesting to see miserable things than bear situations that are mushy and lovey-dovey? H'yeah thought so.

Guess it is sad to say that a person doesn't have any interest in anyone. Honestly any person regardless if they're too occupied or vice versa have atleast one attraction to an opposite sex - unattainable or right by there side all along. I, for some reason, am handicapped in that certain section, s'like some sort of barrier to get me into this matter now. Long ago and not really far back, I'd get into fits of hopelessly romantic phases and go at it on certain individuals or even hopeful ladies that might come my way. But now, it feels like I've lost my mojo, like I had a gameplan in the first place, hah. Be solid in structure first and then decided whether to ask someone in your life I guess. I can't handle any form of commitment, from people, priorities or even love, I can't and am scared of such a thing to occur. Hopelessly selfish at the moment? Yes, it will last a while, probably a long time.

Different subject now: the mystical occult studies advised me to let go of past experiences, s'pecially scarred moments, and also lessen on the geriatric heart. My response to that - i've honestly tried to do these things yet there are some situations which I can't seem to let go - all of them seem to hold something special to me, even if they are traumatic or painful. I don't know really - I need to just lounge and get away from the world once again. Another hibernation period is a doozy as usual. You'll see me around of course, but you won't be able to catch me.

For the month of July
Wednesday, July 30, 2003 08:15 a.m.
The days and the last weeks so far has been 'alive' compared to my usual routined life. Here's the current observations from yours truly, the over-analytical bum:

Have you noticed that when you meet an acquaintance that you know while you're with a group that the person doesn't recognize, they for some reason become more aware of your presence and give you a more open, warm-hearted hello? (i.e. hugs!?) That there just disappoints me - don't know why, I'm probably thinking in my head that they should just act the way they are with how they see me when I see them - like normal individuals (NOTE that when they are around me they are friendly but not in the warmER sense like what I noticed on this particular situation).

I've come to realize that in some form or another, when it comes to having deep conversations with people whom I admire and respect, I tend to ask them and reveal to them their side of their lives while they in turn have difficulty having me reveal a portion of my life that they would like to know or understand. One reason would be that when the few who know my actions have come to a point where it's time to know ME, all I can say is that here I am and that's pretty much it. Good and bad in that good - it's not complex or twisted, my life. The bad would be that there's really nothing of importance in me to the point where even I would think there's nothing there as well. I have nothing to show for or have any sort of achievement or any 'old times' that would result in me having an interesting nature, past or all in all 'life'. Future conversations when we are all settled would result in me being in a random conversation somewhere where my friends reside and they would all just say "hey I know him." and yeap, that's purty much it, you'd think there'd be some sort of background story to how they knew me but no it's just that, a I-knew-him words.

Old times. I know I've honestly let go of the times where I thought I had fun and I guess the recent visit to those times due to curiosity and just exploration gave me more sense that it's just that - old times. BEING that it is old times, why did I still cling to things that would honestly be a highschool mentality? I'll say that yes I had a good time with these folks and yes to the present day they're still the folks with the good vibe. But I guess there's really no point now in having any strong associations - I had none to begin with and I know I am but a distant faded hombre. If I bonded with them enough back then to solidify my position in their group, then I would've had something to say to myself, to others and to strangers. But yeah, I don't have any, and I'm glad that being with them recently for that one particular moment made me aware of myself in their presence - that I am a friend of theirs, a friend from long ago - nothing more and nothing less. No more claims, no more time, it's what you have to show now of how you stand. It's OLDSCHOOL now.

LAST MISCELLANEOUS NOTES: tips are 2x tax, if you know a person in a local place - be modest (I try to tell myself that), i'm just here to help, enjoy life sirs and ma'ams, be grateful of life but not in the becoming some sort of anal overprotective individual of life - JUST ENJOY LIFE and it's ups and downs, and finally GO OUT.

D.
08:15 a.m. Saturday, July 26, 2003
Heh, well the wee morning hours sure was a definite contradiction. Same old faces, but still, it just feels different now.

Good times though, heh.
One for the team.

KL's intellectually idiotic words
Friendship is commonly defined as something of a bond in which individuals share and stay strong together through "thick and thin" - the ups and downs of life. Maintaining a good connection and still being able to have and share common ideals, knowledge and interests, friendships in itself is trusting another individual.

Friendship shouldn't be based on common ties and grounds at the present time. False friendship occurs when friends become trivial in matters concerning their bond; how one can part for a while and how one can also befriend individuals that which aren't of the old acquaintances' approval or advice. A true bond should require no ties or strong grasp of an individual, that would be being possessive of a person's freedom to see a stranger. What gives a right of an individual to choose a person's view and interest?

Friendship would entirely rely on trust and love for an individual. Letting go and understanding a person's well being is more of a characteristic of what a friendship is. Trust them in their own ways, views and decisions. Understand that they'll be there regardless of time.

[The statements above do sound somewhat blurry but that's what I view as what it can be defined as. Most likely not the everyone that it's in my mind will ever get this message. I'll just leave it at that.]

Wonder Years
10:21 p.m. Sunday, July 20, 2003
It's crazy to realize that everyone's old enough to be an adult now. Well.. obviously our ages signify that, but it just shocks me that everyone's able to do things that require no more supervision to the extent of being extremely independent, people that can begin to start the real world in the real sense that they live away from anymore adult guidance and finally a few that is starting a family within a significant other. Heh, it's crazy how things if you look at still are the same, the same people whom you've known only to have more knowledge now in the present time. Everyone's well off right now. It scares me in my own world that I too am beginning to move on or dwell into things that aren't the same or common - the adult side is beginning to kick in and give me an independent reasoning on things. I'm scared of the future and I know by thinking of it, it'd petrify me in an instant. All I can think now is the current state of things so as to not panic or be intimidated of what things lay ahead for me and also for others when I think of them on occassion. It's a bit overwhelming now, how things are now, everything. Obviously no one can go to back then, if they had the chance or even a machine to make it possible, would you really go back and stay or change things to make it the same? It would be useless in that many things along the way contributed to life as it is now and many good times came through that.

I do remember a good feeling that just clicked in me just a while ago - a vivid feeling that felt like time was good for that brief second where things were in a fixed position, emotion, heh can't explain the phenomenon. It was winter 2001, january 1st, arriving back to SFO airport after being in a trip back to the homeland. 10:00 arrival in sj, the weather was cold but being in the tropic region in the world for 2 weeks I loved being back in the cold weather. I recall just wearing my shirt and no jacket, the weather in the homeland definately took its toll in me in that I embraced the freezing american california winter. That night, I remember watching two distinct movies that would burn in my head forever, a scenario of that night that would be a reminder of what that year was like and what I remember doing, but mainly that particular moment/ day. On that vivid night I recall being happy and having that innocent vibe that i'd call a bit of childhood still clinging into me because I know in a few months I'd start thinking more grown up and more adult-like in important situations with college, responsibility, etc. But yeah, that moment symbolized a good feeling that represented a good connection all around me - friends, family, acquaintances, etc. It was purely timeless and I'd wish now that in every second, every minute in time things would have that same happiness and good nature.

sounds like i'm regressing er something, no not really. I honestly just want to recollect on old times and also pin point that feeling I had. Life and situations are good right now, honestly they are and I have no qualms with anything obstacles and intimidation as a figurative negativity are placing on me.
I'm just ..scared of things at the moment, I'm scared of being alone, of being truly independent and being a person in my own right. I'm scared of life.

Loveholic_track 2
HOME and TIRED
I'm on the lighter side at the moment, off from the gloomy side of my brain. Reading through past blogs and just analyzing the majority of what I was feeling in every writing, you'd think I'd have a solution through all my turmoil-infested problems that I conjure up myself by now. Most of the situations on past writings were child's play, emotional outbursts and useless importance on the most useless one-time situations. Making any sense? Just sum it up as events that could've been avoided by just having me being occupied and thinking less on negative aspects and more on I guess.. real world situations rather than horsecrap daydreaming. But it's solid writing, I'll give it that, I cringe at looking through the past, it's horrible.

I've been writing recently on gloomy subjects, and too gloomy even to the point that I've admittedly wrote without proper equilibrium in my system (figure it out... got it now?) and with those liquids did I get even more depressive and also open in words and expressions. But reading through it I immediately deleted these entries as it showed my weakness and just open desperation for anyone who are readers to feel sympathy towards me. Tch tch, SHOOOTS there's people in third world countries doing work equivalent to geriatrics benchpressing and here I am worrying on the future and being a hysterical madman bitch. Once you realize these things you tend to become more light-hearted and out of the boundaries in which you restricted yourself in the first place. Alright the third-world country reawakening doesn't make a lickasense but I do get conscious of those things, life is good and yet I take it for granted. All is well.

As I see it at the present time, I definately know that I'm unstable; being that I tend to become a know-it-all and also a naive sheep at the same time. It's a known fact that the adolescent years are full of tests on the emotion and the purpose of these are to shape a person's well being into becoming aware and also realistic on situations without being 1)wise 2)naive 3)both 4)realistic. There's no definite position. Even though I still do go on and off on these melancholy tantrums I do understand more and more as go through a day, a week, a month. A person seriously changes within a year and adaptation through experience contributes to the newly found abilities that we've gained while going through every day.
Heh, lengthy there ey? This entry doesn't make a solid sense, most likely there's a debate going on in your mind as to what was this all about.

ADVICE/END NOTES: just go out.

Lousy, horrible, tch tch.
Saturday, July 19, 2003
Haven't been feeling all that mood-blog-oriented for a while now, even after the rennovation. Here's what I can conjure up at the moment:
Ever had those moments when you get home extremely late, starving like a madman and yet you're too tired from the day's activities to go to the kitchen? And you say to yourself should I just sleep & starve myself rather than place an effort to even make a simple microwaveable meal or go the distance and eat to satisfy both worlds?
Yeah useless thinking's been up in my head lately.

Defeated
09:53 p.m.
So did the KP finally accept defeat after revealing to himself that he isn't all knowing and dominant in any field that he knows and understands?
Answer: yes, I gladly accept humiliation and defeat (I had it coming) and yet for a while I had sudden mangraines on how I can kick ass and take names, heh all is well, all isn't lost, there was NOTHING TO LOSE in the first place.
All I have right now is patience, just plain patience and little bit of steam. I need to build more patience and less steam. it's happening the other way.

04:44 p.m. Tuesday, July 15, 2003
Kenniving Lounge ver. 1.0
New start? Yes indeed

Life doesn't seem to go as I want it to be recently but then I do get conscious of my actions after watching documentaries and also listening to the frequent, light but honest reasoning of my current summer session Bio professor. I can't dwell on anything right now - I'm somewhat stumped. Happy of my rennovation though, oh goood times.

End Notes: BFF est. 7/2003, Loveholic, Se7en, Idiotically enlightened, Online addict, adolescent ingenious repetitive idiot (me).