The School Entry
The Fall semester has gone off with a good momentum both in education and social endeavors. I head off to school at a reasonable time period where I can eat and minicram and I have sufficient break periods to keep me sane. People are going well, except for the token know-it-all student behind me in METR 10, but as usual assumptions can never be a basis so I just have to keep my cool and let things be. The new library's well equipped in terms of seats and privacy, it's very well maintained and it better damn be (shakes fist). Outdoor galloping has gone off well (no recollection of what happened night, the hookah, lady named tyler, a bbq..) and I am grateful that with my non-outburst type of personality, I still manage see and encounter these experiences in my life, I'm truly satisfied.
Major changes this sem in comparison to the past would probably the constant testing and probably the lack of normal descent free time whether at school or at home. What I mean by that whole sentence is that every week, a new quiz is placed by one of my attending classes, it's not a fact but a GUARANTEE that every week, one or more of the prof's will have a test for me. I guess the outdoor galloping events recently makes up for these heavy loads, but all in all, even if i'm a full-time student, work is aggressive. And I give extreme respect for the many who work for the sake of education and still maintain/ manage things way beyond my capacity of learning (i.e. take as much as 18+ units, while working). At first I was a bit bummed and felt like a useless pile of crap but all I can do to remedy that is to work my ass off and also keep up a good pace. There's that and the fact that once you do graduate from all the education, WORK is life and having these small moments of freedom is a blessing and a time that must be well spent.
It's only been recently that i've been starting to manage the new schedule and it's perks and fallouts. What I need to ease off this sem is negative vibes, which I continually press on me. Being that I am still a naive, young student who can pose off as a h.s. student and be an undercover cop, I still haven't attained the good maturity level that i'd want to be in. The level of good modesty and humor. The level of sincerity and non-hyprocrite ideals. I'll strive for it ofcourse but I know at the moment I still have to be in my usual state of having frequent manic depths of slow time and sadness and out of the blue immaturity. S'just how it goes though so I wouldn't want to force myself to change, it gradually happens people, it gradually.. happens.
All in all, I'm in a good mood with occassional showers of uncertainty and insecurity. Show me a door and outside activities and I'll be sound as a pound.
Enjoy the year.

kenniving.pitas.com
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
07:30 p.m.

My pursuit for a new day
There's just been weird pondering goin on lately in my head (like there's anything unusual). For one thing, of course the Loco de Cabayo was a memorable time, but I've had these thoughts of the things that occurs next after that night and that moment. The whole atmosphere of Sixth and Market, shoots market street itself was somewhat lonesome at the late hours - bums, and the bad neighborhood vibe - the street hours where 'adults' play and wander. That environment gave me the creeps and just plain loneliness but it still gave me curiousity - the fact that it was sf. The other were the strippers themselves - being that they do DO these things for a living, does that mean that their knowledge and upbringing was somewhat of a slump causing them to lead them to this lifestyle? Of course many of their reasons for being there were to make money for the outside world - good proof would be that i saw one of the strippers (not tyler) get picked up by her family on the way out. But yeah, like the hot lady Tyler - what does she do after the closedown? Does she go home and do normal things the next morning or is she doing something way out of my knowledge that would be considered as lewd or vulgar, just as to live every day in this world. It scared me thinking about it, and it made me realize how naive and innocent I am in the truth about the real world - the fact that Tyler and the others do these things for a living and many for life. Being that I did enjoy my time, I still had the guilt trip or child in me that made me look at the club with curiousity and also fear. I wanted to go home at the later hours that night and I wanted to be with somebody that I could hold onto with more intimacy, rather than holding onto someone for the sake of the money. See what happens kids? Over analyzing things is a bitch, i'd prefer to live my life as with my age does and be somewhat moronic but still have the equality of knowledge and bewilderment - i somehow left that persona behind and made myself too grown up for myself and in my own world, which, i dread sometimes. That place was a gentlemen's club after all so it was business that these ladies were doing that night. And honestly I still am curious as to what the days are to come after experiencing that and I've been somewhat immature these last days in that i constantly mention what occured between collegues who went and who were interested - if i had a choice, then i would've wanted to be more conservative or modest in my past actions and words about that, but yeah, it happened already so curse the immature one. As I was saying... curiousity came over me. What does happen after all these things come to pass and a new day starts? Do they have normal lives and do they begin a new one once the money hours start? I just felt bad that I left that place (duh of course I had to) but it's just that i felt sad for their lives and their well being. I guess i'm not cut out for it..yet. I did have an awesome experience but the afterthoughts killed me - the mission/6th street vibe and neighborhood and the wellbeing of the strippers. I didn't care that I lost mucho dinero, I was just worried about what happens to them, how my current status is relaxed and honestly stable, while there's might be slightly off (i count the fact that they mostly get a good status from their earnings so they're not entirely screwed, not nearly, shoots they make a lot of damn profits).

Being a naive 'boy' that rarely gets exciting moments and experiences, I am still damn curious about the next step in the future, the place called Centerfolds. Note: only when i can afford a night like the last one can I do this over again.. and believe me, it'll BE A WHILE, a long while. Oh man, it's just funny how i've been thinking lately, i really found it odd that i've been non-modest to the few who wanted or knew the story. i still can't believe it though and yes I am still sprung on the lapdance from Tyler. Shoots, I saw on the board it was Tyler so I'm sticking to it.
New subject...

So I just had a serendipity night, after being back from an organization picnic, which was good and entertaining - i needed a good time.
Serendipity night you ask? S'one of those things where you watch a chic flick (mines is the keeper Serendipity) about the constant troubles of the hopeless romantics and how they find their love in the end. I honestly dig these vibes, so sod off if you have a comment, or better yet give me a reply in the guestbook since I do admire complaints and compliments, hence the title of that guestbook. Anyway, the serendipity night gave me a good feeling of just the fact of random and unexplainable things that would come before me in the everyday mornings to come. Although i do prefer an organized living, i really want spontaneous jump in my life, where things are always different, out-of-routine and always alive. And yes this night did lift up my spirits seeing that i've been blue these days. So the new week approaches and I'd rather study my ass off, go out if lucky and if by chance or destiny permits, stumble or meet special strangers that might somehow intertwine with my life, my ...college life. Like what many people say, they do come in time, so all i can do is live things normally and i can't wait or ponder too much - i can't wait for sure since it does give me more misery.

So I leave you with a good notion that things are doing great so far. Stressed and failing quizzes, yes but having an awesome time with a few that I can call people whom I can interact. Even up to now I am still sprung off the hot Tyler (count how many times I've mentioned her) so I know it should go away when something interesting awaits me. School is somewhat fine, and I am a starving student - living at home but still saving up funds so as to prepare it for Birthdays, Events (L.A. in Oct) and holidays that'll drain my energy and take away time for just impulsive buying. I'm not really that of an impulsive shopper but I do prefer to go on and off and buy my happiness with tangible things after a blow off from a quiz. And this semester is a prob in that the professor and the syllabus have quizzes EVERY DAMN week, and yeah.. I don't have any funds for useless spending so I guess my impulse can wait, which I can really. So I end it with the fact that all is love, life is love and that I'm just being the dude that you know and read on and off. Just go out and enjoy things.

kenniving.pitas.com
Saturday, September 20, 2003
09:43 p.m.

Loco de Cabayo
another stressing end to a school week, I for sure bombed a test. Last week, knowing that I will have a low score, decided to go to a hookah lounge to take the flavorful puffs of smoke and ingest a one night celebration.

anything different this time? yes.

this time, on the day of 9.18, getting a lap dance and getting my lower area crushed to death in the most pleasurable way was the token of my stressed day and the best of my night. "taylor'... or was it 'tyler', either way, she was the hottest lady off the list.
Here's the summary - went to a strip club, lost bucko bucks in terms of being a starving student, tipped minorly in the stage and paying gas money going home with my card as a last resort for funds.
I thought for sure that I brought enough funds to cover me from the night. Swear you'd think you saved some dinero during the whole night but the numbers just add up and you wouldn't think where all of it went until at the last moment when you realize "crap, the minor backup funds for food went to the dollar bill tippings on the stageshows, dammmit!" But the clencher was that the admission was a huge blow from the start and the lap lounge (s'just a dim room full of losers like me) took also a huge bounty just for some ass and tiggobitties.
I felt somewhat restless after a few hours (yes hours) and the hype of nude ladies didn't really float my boat. And the fact that they stood around all over the place and gave off flirtatious attempts for money was uncomfortable and if you gave a glance, they might assume that you as a customer is interested in a good session of lapdancing. That and the ooglie eyed men (including me), was getting in my nerves - it's probably me but i swear after a period of time the men become more of manic perverts than just plain perverts who's intention there was to watch and have a good time, least for a short period in my perspective. But i guess you have to make your admission money's worth - So this is what feeling truly lonely and miserable's like. If I get a gf and get down and dirty - I wouldn't mind getting an appropriate and intimate lapdance because I know for sure that i'll be getting a deal from a hottie, my hot girlfriend with a more killer bod.
But yeah, damn that lady Taylor/Tyler - took my breath away, aside from the monetary issue. Damn she looked hot, pornstar hot. NOTE there's skanky hot that's pretty much skanky, hot as in hot and pornstar hot - the evil intention definition of hot. Tch.. damn... vivid 5 senses that night ladies and gentlemen, vivid, VIVID. I was waxing on and off/ tuning a radio than doing something professional, let's just say, hahaha. She was definately hot, makes me tingle in the most outmost regions. ...end point.
Lapdance = crotch burn.
The pattern:
9.11 - Giza Hookah Lounge
9.18 - Crazy Horse SF
the next following thursdays: ?

Although placing this event here is plain out typical of 'hey this is what i did today', like i said, it's a damn blog, that and the night made a huge indentation in my head that'll last me for eternity.
In the end, it's a guy's chill night and a good time for a friend's birthday celebration. We saw tiggobitties and we paid damn expensive ish for it.

kenniving.pitas.com
Friday, September 19, 2003

the token acquaintance
11 hours from now I'll be having a test that I know i'll do bad due to the fact that I haven't placed any effort, energy and time to study and evaluate key points in the readings that we've been assigned on.
Cross out the lack of time in that last sentence.
Being that I am a full time student, there shouldn't be any obstacles or better yet situations that would hinder my ability to study. Knowing this, this makes me even more useless and inadequate - of course I'll change my habits after the results are in but it'll take some descent time for this late bloomer to shine.

Aside from this current setback/troubling situation, I AM still in my damn blue sessions/periods and they are gradually lessening my ability to focus on even the most simplist things of life. For the viewers and readers who hasn't been updated, my perspective in every new day doesn't really flow well. The phrase 'there's nothing to look forward to in every new day' comes into my mind. NOTE that this isn't anywhere going to the extremity of physical harm - s'just plain miserable and loneliness weakening my defenses.
I am relieved though that in small situations here and there, slight new motivations and interesting new facets are shown in my gloomy perspective and I do get uplifted from these minor experiences. Even so though, there is something lacking ladies and gentlemen, a someTHing or a someOnE, I can't define the hollowness. Melodramatic as usual, can't be more straight on the perspective on gloominess ey?

- WIL , About a Boy
" My life is made up of units of time.
Buying CDs: two units.
Eating lunch: three units.
Exercising: two units.
All in all, I had a very full life.
It's just that...
It didn't mean anything."

I can relate to Wil - easy life, repetitive hobbies with minor changes here and there, but no exact sense of fulfillment. Seeing that this character is FROM a movie, I shouldn't really place that much dependency on my emotions to this character. But the similarities in my current situation (the striving and the definition of a simple life that i've had and yet never really realized) of being just simply too simple yet enjoying it's life amenities, makes me feel utterly useless. Do I need someone to look forward to? A something even perhaps?
I've had a sense once in a while that maybe i should let down my defenses or swallow my pride in myself... something that I think I probably unnoticingly give off and that by taking it off my chest, I maybe even more susceptible to things called good friendships or even something called interaction. Heh, "all in all I had a very full life". And yes.. it didn't mean anything.

kenniving.pitas.com
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
10:09 p.m.